1. Philip Glass. Okay, I wouldn’t actually go gay for Philip Glass. But conceptually, I definitely would. What a badass.

2. David Byrne. Whatever your sexual orientation is, if you’re worth your salt as a human being it somehow includes David Byrne.

3. Jonathan Franzen. Though an actual relationship with J-Franz would be complicated by the fact that he has a great and abiding interest in birdwatching and by the pretentious way he refers to his craft (he doesn’t just sit down to write, he sits down to “write fiction”), I realized when I saw his MPR appearance in St. Paul that I could listen to this guy talk pretty much forever. And really, what more do you want in a relationship?

4. Rhett Miller. I’ve often thought that if I were into guys, the Old 97’s frontman would have to be my dream guy. He writes sincere, energetic, and well-crafted songs for his amazing band; his bandmates seem like they’d be a lot of fun to hang out with; he’s a nice guy who’s good to his fans. And as far as looks go—this is kind of everything you could want in a guy, right? Just rough enough, just soft enough. But there’s a dealbreaker: he’s boring on Twitter.

5. This one guy I know. So there’s this one guy I knew at Harvard who’s always fascinated me. He has a lot of diverse interests and abilities, he’s smart with a sly sense of humor, and he’s quirky in all sorts of ways that are appealing rather than scary. I liked him so much that at one point I actually stopped and thought to myself, am I gay for this guy? Is that’s what’s happening here? I thought about the prospect of dating him. I liked the idea of staying up late and having interesting conversations (see #3 above), but when I thought about holding hands…no, don’t really need that. And kissing? Well, he’d taste like a guy instead of a girl, and I couldn’t get too excited about that. And…nope, nope, definitely no interest in getting the peens involved.

I guess sometimes you think you might be gay, but really all you want is a BFF.

– Jay Gabler