Like Jesus, The Tangential was born of a Bloody Mary. These boozy tomato-rich beverages continue to nourish us, and our favorites are the ones we build ourselves, like the good self-reliant Americans we are. But we know that many people find Bloody Mary bars to be intimidating—what goes where? in what order? how many beef sticks can I take?—so I’ve condensed our best tips into this handy reference guide. Bookmark it on your iPhone so you don’t look like a noob when you’re ready to make your first foray—or your first real foray—into DIY Bloodies.

1. Find a Bloody Mary bar. Our favorite Bloody Mary bars in Minneapolis are at the Uptown Cafeteria (bacon!) and the downtown Pizza Lucé (beef sticks!), but there are many more to be found and enjoyed. You can have a Bloody Mary made for you anywhere, but once you discover the fun and adventure of making them yourself, you’ll never go back. (Unless you’re at Liquor Lyle’s, because, come on, two-for-ones.)

2. Order the Bloody Mary bar. You may be given the option of calling your vodka. We were given this option last weekend, and three of us said in unison, “Rail.” You’re about to put a lot of good shit in that glass, and if you can tell the difference between a Grey Goose Bloody and a rail Bloody, you’re not doing it right. Also be sure to order a beer chaser—often these are served automatically, but often you have to ask. Some places may charge you extra for the chaser, which in our view is pretty chintzy, but whatev. Pay the damn 50 cents. (I’ve learned that the Bloody Mary beer chaser is a regionally-specific tradition—in some major coastal cities, they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about. Take this as a teaching opportunity.)

3. Approach the Bloody Mary bar with your glass of ice and vodka. Take a good look at all your options. You need to be strategic.

4. Add liquid condiments first. Tabasco Sauce is always a winner, even if the Bloody Mary mixes include a “hot & spicy” option. Worcestershire Sauce is a popular option; Minneapolis scenester Todd O’Dowd demands Pickapepper Sauce. I’ve recently gotten into horseradish. Choose one, or choose ’em all, and don’t be skimpy. Be bold.

5. Add major foodstuff components next. A stalk of celery and/or a pickle spear will take a lot of precious space in your Bloody Mary glass, but that’s okay—a couch takes a lot of precious space in your living room, but you’re not about to not have one, right?

6. Add minor foodstuff components next. Any Bloody Mary bar worth its salt will give you little plastic swords or, better yet, long kebabs. Use them! If you just let that stuff float in your glass, it will not only take up more space but will also be hard to access. No one wants to end up at the bottom of a Bloody Mary with a hunk of cheese lying there having the same color and texture as a sick E.T. That’s gross, and that’s a waste. So use the spears, and balance them on top of the ice. One spear is too timid, three is probably too much—if one of your spears falls out of your glass on the way back to your table, that’s a major Bloody Mary bar fail. Stick with two.

7. Add the mix. By this point it may seem like there’s not much room left in there for the Bloody Mary mix, but don’t worry—it’s liquid, and it will fill all those little gaps among the ice cubes. Fill your glass up to the top. You may have a choice of Bloody Mary mixes, but don’t waste a lot of time considering your options—just choose one. I suspect that at most places, it’s just the same stuff with different labels anyway.

8. Return to your table. Be polite; make room for other thirsty patrons.

9. Stir. Gently, with your straw.

10. Enjoy. Fuck yeah. You just totally pwned that Bloody Mary bar, and you’re probably about to get laid.

– Jay Gabler

Photo from Pocket Lint, another blog that’s got its priorities straight