Mom for Prez: This type A mom has her shit together. Not only does she organize the whole Girl Scout Cookie campaign, but she also volunteers for five different charities, makes her own wax candles and writes a monthly column for your local magazine. Her house is clean, her kids are boredly rebellious yet placated, and you wonder if she has a cool amphetamine prescription that makes it all happen.

The Selfless, Plump Mom: This mom tires easily after a hard morning of spoiling her kids. First, she went to buy the latest Nintendo game for Joey and then she went to student teacher conferences for Tina and now she needs a nap, OK? She’s got her own Hamburger Helper recipe and she’ll eat what you don’t, because she just worked so hard on it. Oh, and when you hit 35, you need to cut your hair short. Do people not watch “What Not to Wear?”

God Mom: Often a crossover with the selfless, plump mom, this mom is just all about Jesus. When you swear, she’ll say, “That’s just not nice,” and she worries that you might be out getting some girl pregnant right now. She reads “Good Housekeeping” and loves Paula Deen. Naturally, her daughters are perfect her sons are rebellious.

The Divorced Cougar: This mom is always sitting on the stoop outside, smoking cigarettes and eyeing your Italian-looking neighbor while he’s out restyling his garden. She wants to get permanent eyeliner tattooed on, and she’s had plastic surgery somewhere, although she won’t admit where. She also has a tattoo of a dolphin on her ankle. Her kids are quiet lately, and seem to spend all their time sitting outside and flicking rubber bands in aimless directions.

The MILF: The divorced cougar wants to be like the MILF, but she doesn’t have the energy or the glow of innocence/unavailability. The MILF exudes an aura of being 13 in a slightly sun-damaged body, hanging out in skinny jeans and rocking long hair with highlights. Give her a couple beers and find out she’s surprisingly good at some kind of gymnastic feat, like the splits or cartwheels. Her kids are chubbier than she is, and you’re curious about the complexes they will soon develop when the cashier at Byerly’s ignores their brace face to stare at their mom’s boobs.

The Shitty, Shitty Mom: This mom is just plain bitchy, insecure and insane. She keeps her kids on a short lease, making them feel oddly loyal to her by constantly berating them until they need her approval. When she gets a chance to look “cool,” she’ll take it. Sure you need therapy to deal with your anxiety issues, but damn it if you’re not the only kid on the block that got to go to Disney World and even drink your own margarita at the hotel (shh).

The Mom that “Gets It:” This mom isn’t lax to overcompensate for sucking, she just naturally remembers what it’s like to be a kid, and she gives her kids plenty of leeway. They can watch Rated R movies, as long as she can stop and explain to them the dangers of AIDS, guns and Tara Reid’s plastic surgery. She has a lewd sense of humor and is always up on pop culture. Most of the people in her family actually like each other.

–Becky Lang