The Self-Depriver: This person takes great joy in denying their basic human needs. Dinner time? “Not hungry. I’m not really into food.” Glass of wine? “I don’t drink, really.” Hanging out with this person makes you feel like a hedonistic lush, until you realize that all their self-deprivation issues are rooted in having an overbearing mother. “No I WON’T eat the cinnamon rolls you made this morning, mom.”

The Insulter: This person is full of passive-aggressive put downs. “Oh, you got me a birthday present? I never expected that! Last year you didn’t do anything for my birthday.” “Have you been working out? Your calves look really bulky.” Suddenly you’re a nervous wreck, staring at the pink spots on your arms and wondering why you didn’t realize how much you sucked. Coincidentally, three months after they move away, you’re fine again.

The Mooch: “Oh, I’m not going to order anything at dinner tonight. I’m not hungry.” 20 minutes later … “Are you going to finish that?” At first this is just a funny aspect of an acquaintance’s personality, but try dating this person. I dare you. Soon they’re asking for $200 to buy a one-of-a-kind bong. Don’t do it!

The Compliment Fisher: “I’ll never get laid again, cuz I’m so fat/pale/ugly. And I’ll never get a job, cuz I’m so untalented.” “Oh no, you are so cute, everyone likes you and your talent is unrivaled.” Repeat 3x a day for life.

The “I Might Not Be Here Tomorrow:” Sometimes it can be hard to tell if a person is a harmless Compliment Fisher or a full on “I Might Not Be Here Tomorrow.” Likewise, you can’t tell if this person’s doom and gloom means they’re about to drive off a cliff, or if they too are just trying to get some love. Either way, they make you worry constantly. They don’t wash their hair. They say morbid things about this being their “last” visit to Rainbow foods. You can’t actually fault them for being miserable, but it’s hard not to feel panic-attack-level worried about this person at all times.

The Jealous Person: This person is threatened by you in the love/job/hot body realm, and they start slowly throwing out attempts to tear you down. They might not even realize they are doing it, but suddenly you’re under massive scrutiny. “Oh my god, you have seat warmers? How spoiled are you?”

The Tone Deaf: This person is bad at reading tone, and misunderstands everything you say. One harmless question will unleash their wrath. “What? Can I cook? What the fuck are you implying? That I can’t cook?” They might also have been bullied as kids and are  constantly on the defense.

The Psychotic Person Who Everyone Loves at First: This type of toxic person is possibly the worst. They’re usually cute, charming and have a clan of admirers. At first you’re excited to be friends with them and they’re excited to be friends with you. Aw, hugs! But from there comes a bizarre whirlwind of slow hatred.  Suddenly, this friend acts like you are their cheating boyfriend. If you don’t give them constant reassurance/hang out time, the psychosis begins to slowly creep out. Don’t wanna come over and drink Skinny Girl margaritas? That’s cool, but they might tell your boyfriend about that time you [some embarrassing body fluid thing]. Yes, they just straight-up blackmailed you. The shittiest part is now that you’re terrified of this person, everyone thinks you’re a huge bitch for not joining the pack and fawning too. “Just you wait,” you think.

–Becky Lang