While we fully support the occasional expression of negativity or asshole-like sentiment (gotta show some cojones sometimes), here are some simple things you can do to cozy up your Twitter stream:

1. Quit saying vague statements of disregard directed at no one in particular. At least 90% of your followers will take it personally, because, at heart, aren’t we all on Twitter because we are insecure, unsure people who want to hear a constant stream of what everyone else is thinking? Kinda. Avoid tweets like this:

I see through your façade. You’re just as fake as everyone else.

So SICK of your shit.

Saw some people I really hate tonight. #fuckthat.

2. For some reason people cannot resist tweeting, “SIGH.” Resist it!

3. Know when a conversation doesn’t belong on Twitter. Here’s a handy guide:

-You are planning a closed social event. If you are trying to organize a happy hour meeting with only two people with the full intention of not inviting other parties, do that shit in private.

-Any politically-heated conversation. Arguments about misogyny were what Mark Zuckerberg dreamed of happening on Facebook’s walls. Put it there. Or wait till you see the person you disagree with in person. Get all drunk and say things you regret that won’t go in the library of congress.

-Rants about one particular social event that left you feeling “stiffed.” Did your friends get drunk and drink all your vodka? What fucking assholes. But this does not necessitate 20 tweets of you pondering just what friendship really means, as deep as those ponderings may be.

That being said, tweeting too nice-nice can be just as bad. We don’t want to hear about how stellar your wife’s muffins are.

–Becky Lang