“One of the things that is troubling is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet who boasts of, ‘Hey look, we’re having children, we’re not married, but we’re having these children, and they’re doing just fine.'”

Mike Huckabee says that he wasn’t criticizing Natalie Portman when he said that—he says he was criticizing society. You know what? I believe him. I’ve been misunderstood before, and I’d just like to take this opportunity to clear a few of those misunderstandings up.

When I said to my wife, “You know, a lot of people wouldn’t wear that dress out in public,” she took it as a criticism of her fashion sense. That’s completely absurd. Did I say she shouldn’t wear the dress? Did I say she looked bad in the dress? Of course I didn’t. I was criticizing the other, theoretical, people who would consider wearing that dress out in public. “A lot of people” doesn’t mean all the people. Jeez.

Another time, I walked into the kitchen and my wife was enjoying a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I said to her, “You gonna eat all of that?” And she threw it at me! Now, how was that called for? I just asked her a simple question! And if there was some implication that I thought perhaps she shouldn’t, in fact, eat all of that—well, surely any reasonable person would understand that I was thinking about the example she was setting for the children. My wife is a beautiful, sexy woman. Fat might just not be as good a look for our kids as it is for her! So really, my question was mostly about the children.

Then there was the time Bobby from accounting took me to his favorite burger shop for lunch. I said that my burger tasted like puréed chihuahua pressed into a patty and lightly grilled. Well, Bobby took that as a criticism of him. Really, now. You would think someone from such a precise, technical field as accounting would listen a little more carefully to exactly what I was saying. I’m sure Bobby has many excellent reasons for liking that restaurant. I wasn’t questioning his judgment at all! I was merely making an observation about that particular burger.

But here’s the real doozy. I don’t even know how my daughter misinterpreted this one. She came home from college and told me that she’d started dating this guy. I asked what his religion is, and she said he’s Catholic. I then mentioned—very offhandedly—that Hitler was a Catholic. And she got all upset! I mean, what? Adolf Hitler was one of the most significant historical figures of the 20th century, and it so happens that he was raised Catholic. I was just mentioning it, as a point of conversation! So she got this cockamamie idea that I was making some kind of statement about Catholicism. Ridiculous. I mean, does she think I’m that insensitive?

– Jay Gabler

Photo from The Superficial (headline: “Natalie Portman Has That Motherly Glow”)