“Look at you sad sacks of suckers. Look at you pathetic, disgusting, putrid human beings. Look at you miserable excuses for sentient creatures. I’m appalled. I’m grossed out. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth, and a lot in my pants.

“You want to quit. You want to just give up and go back downriver. You want to return to your comfortable ‘homes’ in ‘safe’ places like ‘Izbal’ and ‘Minneapolis.’ You think the world will just take care of itself. Don’t you? Isn’t that what you think? Tell me if I’m wrong here. I’m not hearing you telling me I’m wrong, so I’m assuming you know you shouldn’t tell me I’m wrong, because, I know, you know that I’m right about not being wrong.

“So Viroqua ran off with Bill Murray. Okay. So they took our boat. Fine. We still have an iPad, and each other. What’s that? And we still have most of Jay’s golf clubs? What the hell are we going to do with golf clubs, Jay? We’re in the middle of the goddamn jungle. Give me that seven-iron. Look at this! Useless! I can even break it over my…ow! Break it over my…damn! Break it over my…knee! Aargh! There!

“Listen, this isn’t time for golf. This is our time. This is blogger time. Somewhere upstream, there’s a server that’s absorbing more and more hits every minute. Soon, the entire blogosphere will be drained of hits, and will die. What will happen then? It’s going to be the end of the goddamn world, that’s what!

“Think about it. What’s the answer to every question in this world? Blogs. What are the biggest challenges facing humanity? Nuclear war? A blog is the answer. Global warming? A blog is the answer. Asteroids hitting the Earth? A blog is obviously the fucking answer. Without blogs, we will all die in a hot flood of flaming nuclear asteroids. Is that what you want? Huh? Is it?

“I didn’t think so. Now, come on! Buck up, little troopers! When the U.S. was down by six points in the 1980 Olympic hockey game against the Soviets, did they give up? Hell no, they didn’t. When Washington needed to get all his guys across the Delaware in one little boat, did he go home to Martha and his slave lover? Um, no. When Napoleon needed to conquer Europe, did he take a break to cry about his lost lover and blow his nose on an opossum, like you just did? Probably not.

“So what’s the deal here with these suggestions about giving up? That’s nonsense talk, by weak people. Don’t be weak, now. Be strong. Be brave. Be men. Yes, I’m talking to you, Wes Anderson’s camera guy. Bill Murray’s escaped your movie. He’s probably dead by now, but we are alive.

“I can feel the fire coursing through my veins. I can taste the destiny on my tongue. I can smell the scent of thunder. I can see the morning light of pride, cresting over our shoulders in the virgin dew of our spring awakening. I can hear the sound of a million billion unborn souls clenching their buttcheeks as they stand at attention and salute the memory of the brave bloggers who saved the world for them to be born in.

“Now. Come. We go. Save world. Together. As men.”

“Jay Gabler’s Guatemala” is The Tangential’s weekly travel series. Previous installments:
• Uno: A journey of the soul
• Dos: Journey of the soul takes a wrong turn
• Tres: A blogger gone native
• Cuatro: A dangerous mission
• Cinco: A kiss from Bill Murray
• Seis: Premature attackulation