Age 16: Take off the cross necklace made out of glass beads that you got on your vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Puerto Vallarta. Put it at the bottom of your underwear drawer, which you have just finished filling with “thong underwear.”

Age 17: Discover The Doors. They’re not that legit, but it’s a gateway. Jim Morrison leads you to Pink Floyd leads you to Radiohead leads you to Pitchfork leads you to Animal Collective leads you to a slightly less iconic hipster band like Atlas Sound. That was easy. Make your first gay friend. If you’re a girl, tell them all your secrets. If you’re a boy, playfully pat their balls or something, showing that you’re not gay but you don’t think that just cuz they’re gay they’re gay for you and trying to turn you gay. Although they might be.

Age 18: Quit your extra-curriculars and start smoking unfiltered cigarettes at playgrounds after school. Read “The Nausea.” Are you fornicating yet? You should be.

Age 19: Get caught smoking outside the garage during Thanksgiving dinner. Have an awkward conversation with your parents. They don’t like your lifestyle. Blame them for making you unpopular from the ages of 6-12.

Age 20: Get into “filmmakers.” Wikipedia all of them so that you can school anyone on any movie. Say you’d like to be a filmmaker but you’ll probably be something that “gives back” more, like a scholar in Midwestern Minority Studies.

Age 21: Do mushrooms. Have you not done mushrooms yet? Also, amp up your alcohol consumption. It’s legal now, so getting away with drinking isn’t enough. You have to try harder to feel like you’re breaking a rule, so smash things when you’re drunk or maybe end up in detox. Date someone a bit too foulmouthed but insist that your suffering makes your writing better.

Age 22: Swear off marriage and play around with “not monogamy.” Further segment your career aspiration. You’d like to work in “off Broadway theatrical sound design” but for now you’re a bartender. Yeah, mom. A bartender.

Age 23: Have we talked about TV? What kind of TV are you watching these days? You missed a lot of important shows between the dark ages of 6-12, so you better cover those bases. Stuff like “Beavis and Butthead” is on Netflix, so start there. By now you should have had sex with at least 10 people. Hang out at bars a lot. Read hipstery blog posts everyday, but, honestly, be super sick of the word hipster and people writing about them all the time. I mean, can’t they think of anything better to talk about?

–Becky Lang