– If you put it on a ball, it will roll around like a ferret and freak out your cat.

– It vibrates 1,000x faster than a washing machine.

– While not in use, it has video chat conferences with Justin Timberlake and Sean Parker about new ways to bring down the music industry..

– If you swallow it, it will act as a 3rd lung.

– If you weigh less than 80 lbs., it also works as a hover skateboard.

– If you connect it to an umbilical cord, it can recharge with placenta fluid.

– Inside the iPad is a smaller iPad. Inside of that is an even smaller one. Inside of that is a smaller one. Inside of that is a Moleskine notepad signed by James Frey.

– New cases come in brief, G-string and thong editions.

-It actually invented the Tumblr meme “Fuck Yeah James Van Der Beek Crying” using complex web statistic algorithms.

-It has one hidden camera that spies on you in your sleep and makes a TV show about your life for another planet, kinda like “The Truman Show” but more low budget.

-It has a built-in gyroscope for a new way to use Wi-Fi called “GenitalTime.”

– Becky Lang really wants an iPad 2