Maybe if you hadn’t used that plastic bag as a toy, you wouldn’t be so DEAD right now, dumbass.

Who the fuck uses a Lake Superior placemat for navigation? Get a GPS, you cheap bastard.

You didn’t call the city before digging in your backyard, and now you’re lit up like a candy-raver glowstick. What a goddamn coincidence.

You think maybe the contents of that cup were hot? Maybe you JUST SAW THEM POUR SCALDING COFFEE IN IT? Suck an ice cube, dipshit.

Use a condom twice? Who does that?! You, apparently. Enjoy the child you just conceived—he’s probably a halfwit like you.

You biked without a helmet? I’m not surprised there are so few of your brains to see here splattered on the sidewalk.

Cap’n Crunch is only PART of a complete breakfast, numbnuts. Good luck with that scurvy.

Maybe now that you’re crushed under the Coke machine, you’re close enough to see that little sticker that says DON’T ROCK THE COKE MACHINE.

With every painful retch, I say, “THANK YOU, restaurant worker, for not washing your hands before returning to work. This is fun.”

Why would you think you could use a plastic inflatable Scooby Doo as a lifesaving device? Ruh roh, now your husband’s dead.

– Jay Gabler