Do you wake up in the morning and wonder, “Why was I born?” Do you find yourself zoning out on dates, or considering driving into the median? Have you been visiting IHOP more than you usually might? If this describes you, you just might need something new in your life. Why, by all means, should that one thing not be a new ice skating hobby? Ice skating can change your life and give you a new perspective. Here’s how:

1. You get to wear whorey makeup and no one will think you’re a whore because in ice skating it’s called “stage makeup.”

2. Zamboni! Motherfucking ice utility vehicles, often driven by very interesting men. Neat!

3. 13-year-olds. Remember them? When was the last time you talked to a 13-year-old? Preteens, especially aerodynamic ones with their hair in tight buns and a long program set to Swan Lake can really raise your morale. Watch them yell at their mothers and feel your heart warm. Smile as they drink calorie-free flavored water and throw their consolation medal at the walking pair of windpants they call “coach.” (Disregard this point if you are a man. There is no excuse for you to actively seek out 13-year-olds. Shame on you.)

4. Maybe you are just too hot. Why not spend your time in a climate kept at a cool 50 degrees?

5. As you get tape-measured for your polka dotted costume for the big “Build Me Up Buttercup” number, you can smirk quietly to yourself as you wonder how American Apparel is going to copy this getup.

6. Say goodbye to picking up things and carrying them. What are you, an ancient woman from the Bible, a baby on one hip and a water bucket in your other hand? Not you! In ice skating, you get to put everything you need in a tiny suitcase that you can roll behind you. Every practice feels like a mini run through airport customs!

7. Ice rinks are one of the best places to get coffee prepared in the artisanal tradition of vending machines.

8. How many other sports involve something so quickly capable of producing bloody yet precise punctures as a toepick? Not hockey, that’s for sure.

9. Ice skating is a great way to meet guys who really like ice skating. Who doesn’t want to meet one of those?

10. Now instead of dreaming about overdosing on pills, you can picture yourself victorious in the spotlight, strategizing how to skate away over the many strewn roses your adoring fans have thrown at you. Isn’t that just a little better?

–Becky Lang was forced to ice skate for seven years as a kid, and found it slightly terrifying.