Now, I know you’re thinking about killing all these people who are giving you shit for farting. (No pun intended! Jeez! Back off with that knife …) But I sincerely implore you, don’t do it. Here’s why:

1. When people Google “man, stab, farts” your face will come up forever

2. It will inspire headlines like this:

-Man Stabbed in Fart Fight

-This Man Stabbed Four People for Making Fun of His Farts

-Man’s Fart Fury Led to Killing

3. Everyone will know how flatulent you are, not to mention how homicidal

4. Even Tosh.0 won’t want you on his show

5. They’ll never let you eat beans in prison

-Becky Lang hopes it’s not “too soon.”