Thank you for coming to dinner tonight. I’ve prepared some quinoa and bought some of mom’s favorite Arbor Mist. You may wonder why I’m doing all this. Well, there’s something I need to tell you: I’m gay.
I know you’re shocked. “But why did you elect Jesse Ventura for governor?” you might ask. Well, I didn’t know back then. It has been a long process of self-exploration for me. Maybe I was trying to cover it up.
Wait, before you speak, there’s more. Not only am I gay, I’m super gay. In fact, a national magazine has declared me “the gayest.” Glitter, apple martinis, Logo’s programming – I make those gay stereotypes look like lumberjack culture. All my friends are gay pastors, I cried when Gladius shut down and I even hosted an impressively high number of Tegan and Sara concerts in the last year.
It feels good to be open. It feels good to be gay. Drink up mom.