1. Have the reception in a barn

You’re not at the local prom joint serving chicken breasts on plain black tablecloths while everyone sweats under florescent lights. You’re somewhere intimate and throwback, lit by candles with a  pixie-like child sitting on a bale of hay.

2. Letterpress invites

If your invites are not letterpressed using some kind of slab serif font and custom set of iconography that tells the story of how you met than you might as well just get married at the strip mall.

3. Wear sneakers, not heels

You’re not being sold off as a pure, virginal white goose waddling around on pointy, uncomfortable heels. You’re a chick that collects records and does mud runs. Wear your favorite Vans or Chucks or whatever. Something you can toss at a rude guest, Nutcracker-style, once you’re all drunk.

4. Hire a non-traditional photographer

Don’t use that person you met at the local senior photo outlet. Hire your friend who is a sculptor or a a mathematician and let them translate their unique talent into unique photos. Lots of collages of shoes, shadow shots, pictures of empty, abandoned plates and horses that are also at your wedding for some reason.

5. Register at REI

You, needing pots and pans and toasters? Yawn. While you love whipping up slow food at home, what the two of you really need is some kayaking gear before you settle down and start having kids. Just kidding, kids are soooo far off. You guys haven’t even sailed the Mediterranean or done a spirit walk in Spain yet.

6. Ditch the DJ

Do you want some bleach-blonde douchebag playing The Electric Slide all night? No, you want something more intimate and just … more you. What about a deaf bell choir? A local rap group featuring a full string quartet?  A kids’ choir singing just K-pop?

7. New-age officiator

Religion is gauche. Have your yoga teacher officiate your wedding. You, personally, find salvation in the Cobbler’s pose.

8. The Rock

Just like the guys on the radio say, “You’re unique. Why shouldn’t you have a unique diamond?” Except you’re way more unique than some hoe who listens to the radio, so ditch the diamond all together. Why not try an opal? Just silver forged into the shape of a dove? A tattoo? Show you’re way beyond bling.

9. Hit the boonies

Making people buy a plane ticket just to watch you engage in a ceremony gay people can’t have yet is kinda tacky these days, so just have it in a cabin-town 3 hours from your current residence so that all the randos don’t bother to come.

–Becky Lang