9:00 AM Friday: “Jay, can we smoke in your mom’s car?” “No.” “Can we eat in your mom’s car?” “Yes.”

10:00 AM Friday: “Aaaugh, that guy with a ladder in the back of his pickup just pulled in front of us! This is like Final Destination!”

11:00 AM Friday: “Aaaugh, we’re driving into fog! This is like Final Destination!”

12:00 PM Friday: “I’m going to check us in at Wisconsin Dells on Foursquare. What should I say we’re doing?” “Say we’re giving Paul Bunyan a blow job. Say it takes all of us working together.”

1:00 PM Friday: “According to my iPhone, this ‘wintry mix’ will become less wintry and more mix-y as we get coser to Chicago.” “You’re like a folk meteorologist.”

2:00 PM Friday: “Put on a Rihanna jam. I’m going to make this stuffed bear dance to it.”

3:00 PM Friday: “Shit! I just drove through that toll without paying! I did that one before, when I was listening to The Social Network on audiobook and the Mark Zuckerberg sex scene came on.”

4:00 PM Friday: “This weather is good for being stuck in traffic in.”

5:00 PM Friday: “There’s the hotel! Right across from Burrito Beach.” “Oooh! I want to go to Burrito Beach!”

6:00 PM Friday: “Okay, let me tell you the Tumblr names of the people we’re about to meet.”

7:00 PM Friday: “The Red Line is down because of a medical emergency.” “Do you think someone fell onto the tracks?” “Nah, it’s probably just a regular sort of medical emergency.”

8:00 PM Friday: “We’re looping!” “Is that a drug?” “No, we’re looping the menus of DVDs! This one’s pleasingly minimal.”

9:00 PM Friday: “Can we just seat ourselves? Like, in this booth?” “Well, actually, we do prefer to seat people ourselves.” “Like, in this booth?” “No, like at that table over there.”

10:00 PM Friday: “I’m thinking of taking out the domain precum.life.”

11:00 PM Friday: “This literary dance party isn’t bad! See those two guys just leaning against the bar over there? They’re probably composing erotic sonnets.”

12:00 AM Saturday: “Do you think they’re paying that writer to dance on the stage, or did she just take it upon herself?”

1:00 AM Saturday: “I totally ripped my trousers climbing that fence to climb on that moose.” “Trivia fact: in Minnesota, each person is allowed to shoot exactly one moose during his or her life.” “So there are exactly as many moose in Minnesota as there are people?”

2:00 AM Saturday: “Did you steal those yard signs and that house plant?” “I’m borrowing them.”

8:00 AM Saturday: “You kind of cuddled me last night.” “Oh, that’s nice!” “Just with your feet. I thought you were Jay, and I thought, ‘This is awkward.'” “Yeah, I tried to cuddle Jay over here. I forgot he wasn’t you.” “That’s true. I remember that. But you noticed right away.” “Yeah. I was like, ‘Whoa!'”

9:00 AM Saturday: “Someone’s tampon fell into my shoulder bag.” “That’s weird.”

– Jay Gabler