Five Things You Do at the Office That Make Me Secretly Want to Kill You

1. You sneen on casual Friday.

Sneening = sneakers and jeans. Sneening is an unnecessary evil visited on my workplace/our society that is cruel and unnecessary. What are you thinking? Clearly you aren’t thinking. I am no fashionista—in fact, I’m not even remotely fashionable—but I’m not retarded enough to wear a t-shirt, a pair of ill-fitting jeans, and a pair of shitty old sneakers. You clearly don’t use your sneakers to work out, so that’s no excuse.

2. You get paid more than I do.

And you’re younger than me. This is just plain jealousy. Fuck you.

3. You use buzzwords.

“Let’s get the optics on that.” “Going foward…” “I had an ‘a-ha’ moment.” Just because you are trying to inspire and lead a large group of people doesn’t mean you have license to be this lame. Seriously.

4. You ask questions at the end of a conference when the speaker asks if there are any more questions.

Do you realize we get to leave when you shut up? What, you’ve already asked three questions and are going back for one more? I don’t give a fuck, and I haven’t been paying attention for the past hour. Not only are you delaying me, you’re making me feel bad for not caring about global market trends and how this effects me as a practictioner. Oh, God, am I that unprofessional? Am I the only person at this table who is struggling to stay awake? Feed my insecurity with your incessant annoying questions, will you? During my microsleeps I’m dreaming about feeding your genitals to goats.

5. You make small talk about days of the week.

“Not bad for a Tuesday, ha ha!” “Hump day!” “Another Monday, another week, oh gawd!” Can’t you see that I would rather make my coffee in awkward silence? Dickface.

- Mike O’Connell

Photo by Paladin27 (Creative Commons)

  • Dicque Fayce

    I’ll wear my sneakers and jeans on Friday, as will most in my office. We’re casual, come with piercings, and love to make small talk about the latest music.

    We’ll also ask questions at this expensive conference we’re interested in and attending, and if you’re not interested in a conference in which you (or your business) paid money – why are you there?

    It’s also probably the reason that we’re younger and get paid more than you – taking an active interest in our career – and make small talk about how young and successful we are.

    • B-Funk-Chainsaw

      He said he doesn’t like it so just stop it! STOP IT! Your office sounds like a bunch of CUNTS! This guy thinks he’s fuckin Doogie HOWSER!

  • N

    Man, what the hell else would you wear with jeans?

  • Mike

    Sneening is despicable and you are terrible people for not only sneening, but actively promoting sneening. I would like to point out the privilege that you are enjoying in my descent to your awful sneeny level to reply to your concerns. You can thank me and post your tributes in the comments below.
    1. Congratulations on having piercings.
    2. You are clearly the person who asks questions at the end of conferences. Is it a coincidence that you also sneen?
    3. I am specifically against days of the week small talk, music is allright. Just to clarify, talk about music that involves days of the week e.g. blue monday, tuesday’s gone, sunday morning etc is also ok.
    4. Anything else is ok with jeans! If it’s comfort and support you’re after wear skate shoes (at the risk of looking like a bit of a bogan), impress your peers by wearing dress shoes, show how laid back you are and wear jandals. Personally I prefer chucks or high tops.