Pros and Cons of the Hot Dude Literary Characters We’d Like to Fuck

Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye:
Pros:
Charming sarcasm
Hates phonies
Invented brooding sexy
Is cute with his little sister
Remembers romantic things about his childhood friend like she kept all her kings in the back row when she played checkers
JUST NEEDS SOMEONE TO LOVE HIM

Cons:
Doesn’t like sleeping with hookers
Terminally unchill

Humbert Humbert from Lolita:
Pros:
Name is fun to say 

Cons:
Likes sex with 12-year-olds, a lot
Hates American pop culture
Would roofie you


Henry from The Boxcar Children:
Pros:
Likes chores
Nice to dogs
Good at solving mysteries
Will eat anything!
Lives in a cool boxcar
Family man
Rich grandfather 

Cons:
Not legal
Likes Chores

Rob Gordon from High Fidelity:
Pros:
DJ
Owns a record store
Good taste in music
Intense and sexy
Adequate list maker
Will be OK with your new boyfriend as long as you haven’t slept with him yet
Organizes records in cool ways

Cons:
Will never be happy
For some reason doesn’t like Charlie (played by the way-hotter-than-him-and-indie-in-this-movie Catherine Zeta Jones)
John Cusak not that hot, but the book character could be hotter in our minds if that movie didn’t exist
HAS NOT SEEN EVIL DEAD 2 YET (jk, he has)


Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird:
Pros:
Lawyer
Seems like he’d be played by the hot teacher in “Never Been Kissed”

Cons:
Probably cares more about his dumb causes than taking you on fun dates
Some crappy band is named after him


Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby:
Pros:
Has a big mansion
Lots of friends
Seems like he knows how to drink
Shares his name with Jay Gabler (might get put on the list places by accident)

Cons:
Might be lonely in that big mansion and get needy
Probably has way too many ties
Loves Daisy, who sucks

Harry Potter from The Harry Potter series:
Pros:
Super famous
Good with wand
Could maybe introduce me to Helena Bonham Carter
No dumb parents to deal with
Could use him to meet famous Quidditch players
Could get him to ask Hermione how to get one of those cool time-travel watch necklaces

Cons:
Stupid hot Hermione’s always hanging around
Is starting to look like Zac Efron
Scar on his head would get old, like, can you even touch it?
Whiny
Lipless

 

Sherlock Holmes from The Sherlock Holmes series:
Pros:
Could solve sexy mysteries (where did my pants go? hmmm)

Cons:
Would probably need Watson’s help

 

Marius Pontmercy from Les Miserables:
Pros:
Revolutionarys are sexy
Brave
Would take you on romantic walks
Pretty respectful of women for a rebel

Cons:
The kind of guy who would stalk your internet presence for years before approaching you
Too political
Daddy issues
Prone to fevers

 

Florentino Ariza from Love in the Time of Cholera:
Pros:
Really not in a rush
Ornate speech pattern
Actually eats flower petals to remind himself of your scent – romantic
I’m guessing he has a well-manicured mustache
Hot Spanish accent

Cons:
No means no, dude
Maybe has STDs
Old by the time you’d actually do the nasty

Huck Finn
Pros:

Played by that hottie J.T.T.

Not racist
Good at rafting
Bad boy

Cons:
Poor
Will pretend to be dead to get out of trouble

-Becky Lang, Chrissy Stockton, Marcus Michalik, Emily Weiss

  • Robgordon

    Wait, Rob Gordon totally liked Charlie! That’s why she’s on the list! She leaves him because he likes her too much or something….