People don’t use GIFs enough in their personal ads, but they should. Why post a picture of the bottom of your face when you can post a GIF that shows you in action? I think the best possible GIF for a personal ad would be one of a dog humping your leg while you look comically horrified. Not only does it show that you’re a dog person, but it also says, “Hey, I have a sense of humor about humping [therefore am not a rapist].”

2. Headlines, Headlines, Headlines

Know anything about SEO? Don’t put that in your personal ad under any circumstance, but understand that a good headline is valuable. Instead of writing something creepy, like, “Who wants a massage?” write something bizarre, like “KFC is after me!!!!!” or something scandalous like, “The person from the last post? I know all his secrets. Here they are!”

3. Describe yourself using the metric system

People might think you’re European or exotic, plus if you’re not a “desirable” height/weight, they won’t be able to figure it out.

4. The sleepover clause

No matter what, add a sleepover clause. Any date with you ends with an innocent slumber party. Just two human beings, looking to eat candy out of a bowl and watch romantic comedies in separate sleeping bags. Alcohol optional. Who could resist?

5. Show your media savvy

Write your ad using nothing but excerpts from “Notting Hill.” Pepper lines from “Waiting for Godot” with descriptions of your sexual kinks. Debate your preference for cuddling over doggy style by switching from Elfish to Klingon for each argument. If they’re the one for you, they’ll get it.

– Becky Lang felt odd searching for a “dog humping leg” GIF to add to this post.