Tag: Lisa Olson
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8 Things that Might Happen in the New Star Wars
1. The soundtrack will be the original John Williams music as covered by Ryan Adams 2. Emoji subtitles 3. The dark side will be breeding teacup Ewoks 4. In the wake of Empire’s setbacks and destabilized economy, the new galactic currency will be changed to Bitcoin 5. Sarah Koenig will be narrating the search for Luke’s hand 6….
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How We Imagine Harry Potter is Spending his 35th Birthday
Experiencing erectile dysfunction due to mid-life malaise. Watching Albus Severus’s Quidditch game and muttering “I would have caught the snitch by now… to himself. Wondering how hot Cho Chang got. Drinking from the stash of home-brewed butterbeer he keeps hidden behind his old copy of Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them on his bookshelf. Looking up…
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We Tried to Think of Punny Ways to Say “Gale is Hotter than Peeta”
-I have a full Gale-force boner -Gale… more like… Waaaale you go out with me? -Don’t want that Peeta up in my hummus. -Re-GAIL me with a guy hotter than Peeta -Hems’ worth at least 3 Peetas -I’d take Gale’s pole in my pail before I’d let Peeta poke a piece of peen in me….
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Proposed Features of The Tangential Pavilion at the Minnesota World’s Fair
Walk-in freezer winter obstacle course. Hate your life during 45 minutes of fun and adventure! Invasive carp tacos. Interactive booth: “Ethanol or corn whiskey? The choice is YOURS!” A corral that allows visitors from all over the world to quickly and easily shoot the one Minnesota moose they’re legally allowed to take down in their lifetime….
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Things Minnesotans Get Emotional About
Being more than a flyover state Happy hours Parking New foods at the Minnesota State Fair Potholes Condo construction in Dinkytown Crop reports Camp Snoopy Pedal Pubs (love or hate) Bars (the edible kind) Josh Hartnett’s unibrow Our hip-hop scene Dan Wilson’s songwriting Still voting for Walter Mondale The Quadriga Topping lutefisk with cream gravy (instead of…
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“The Fault In Our Stars” Survival Guide
However useless I would be in the event of plagues, natural disasters and the like, I am your best friend when it comes to social phenomena launched by teenagers. Give up trying to ignore this Fault in Our Stars thing with those weird clouds and girls who cry when you say the word “okay” to…
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My Internal Tweet Monologue During “Divergent”
No mystery behind teen apocalypse phenom: Your feelings are literally the center of the world & u get hot bf. SOLD. Gasp! It’s Rose! Where’s Jack, Rose? Where’s Jack? Still in the ocean where u let him freeze and die? #1997 #NeverForget No one ever mentioned Skrillex in the books. Who’s making this music? The…
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90th Birthday Gifts for Bob Barker
A video montage, set to music by Sarah McLachlan, of all the cushions, legs, and stuffed animals his pro-neutering advocacy saved from being violated. A trip to…sunny Brazil! One dollar. A Happy Gilmore DVD. Denture cream (it’s practical). The cash equivalent of whatever you were going to get him. A fucking normal non-skinny microphone, goddamnit. A…
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Messages to Have Laser-Engraved On Your iPad Mini
My other iPad is huge I promise. Please fill the void. Here lies print. Come at me, Kindle. Dick may be larger than it appears in pic Beware of Dog (pics) Will write poems for iTunes gift cards This machine pwns Gateway Real men use WebCrawler Non-Redditors Need Not Apply [Your Twitter password, so…
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“The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” Gets SQUEEE! Stars Out of Ten
It’s hard to think of another time I’ve been so relieved walking out of a movie theater. Book-to-movie adaptations are hard, and a series of books you have a perplexingly intense emotional attachment to are harder yet. So despite my somewhat-less-than-nonpartisan evening with part of the cast from Catching Fire at the Mall of America,…
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Why Yes, In Fact the Hunger Games Victory Tour WAS the Best Thing Ever, Thanks For Asking
In my young life I have seen and felt both the power of the Internet and that of hormonal teenagers. I have been those hormones. I have waited for hours in queue halls at comic cons with hundreds of people dressed as things both familiar and not. I’ve done that…very recently. So when I say…
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Flaws That “Freaks” Have On Shows About Rich, Gorgeous Teens
Chin clefts Parents who are both of the same race Detached earlobes 2008 Audis Dented cuticles Eyebrows that haven’t been plucked in, like, a week Big toes that are longer than the rest of their toes Visible roots Split ends Symmetrical haircuts Arm hair Butt cracks that have never been seen by anyone outside the…