Experiencing erectile dysfunction due to mid-life malaise.

Watching Albus Severus’s Quidditch game and muttering “I would have caught the snitch by now… to himself.

Wondering how hot Cho Chang got.

Drinking from the stash of home-brewed butterbeer he keeps hidden behind his old copy of Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them on his bookshelf.

Looking up Draco on Facebook and wondering if Ginny is hotter than whatever his wife’s name is.*

Spending time with the special pensieve he keeps in his closet that functions solely as a spank bank.

Driving around Wizard U ogling the co-eds.

“Expecto Dadbod!”

Trying on his Warby Parker glasses because he just doesn’t have the patience for Diagon-fucking-alley anymore.

Checking his Google news alerts that are set to “the chosen one” and “the boy who lived.”

Hoping there’s a Beer Dabbler this weekend.

Tying his kids’ shoelaces together, watching them trip and fall, pointing at them and yelling “that STILL isn’t as bad as my 6th year at school was!”

Downloading a charm that prevents people from hearing him singing along to Taylor Swift songs on his broom commute.

Finally “getting” the “magic” of Steely Dan.

Depositing, like, 130 galleons at Gringotts, then saying he’s going out ofr a little broomstick ride, but first he will stop at the Leaky Cauldron for a drink. Just a drink! Nothing could go wrong. Then, his body is never found. He now lives in Australia and works at a zoo.

Finally investing in a sturdy pre-owned Hippogriff of his own.

Having a row with Ginny about where to eat dinner because he wants steak but she is obsessed with his cholesterol.

WizardWeed. (For his astigmatism. He has a prescription.)

Being sad that Hermione wrote on his Facebook instead of texting him.

Flying real low and slow past 4 Privet Drive and giving the stink eye to the Dursleys. When he notices that Dudley is sitting outside drinking in the lawn, he zooms off.

OR, he makes eye contact and doesn’t break it, and he continues to fly slowly, until he hits a woman walking her dog.

He doesn’t know – Ron is bronapping him and has a reservation on a broom-pub.

Trying and failing to get in a Twitter war with Meek Mill, who doesn’t know who he is.

Eating his free mac and cheese at Noodles & Company, delibrately pushing his hair back and hoping someone asks for a pic.

Calling in another favor from Rita Skeeter to get him a casual cameo on an episode of I Am Cait.

Looking in the Mirror of Erised and seeing himself with a full head of hair.

Hoping he doesn’t drunk dial Victor Krum later.

–Katie Sisneros, Chrissy Stockton, Lisa Olson, Jay Gabler, Jay Boller, and Caroline Royce.

*It’s Astoria Greengrass.