A video montage, set to music by Sarah McLachlan, of all the cushions, legs, and stuffed animals his pro-neutering advocacy saved from being violated.

A trip to…sunny Brazil!

One dollar.

A Happy Gilmore DVD.

Denture cream (it’s practical).

The cash equivalent of whatever you were going to get him.

A fucking normal non-skinny microphone, goddamnit.

A giant game of Plinko where hookers drop down at him.

A Showcase featuring a casket, a cemetery spot near Marilyn Monroe, a guaranteed spot in the Emmys “We remember…” montage, and a jet ski.

Drew Carey dressed as a grinder monkey.

Skeleton spray tan.

An extra spin on the Grim Reaper’s Big Wheel.

A Showcase Showdown movie directed by Michael Bay.

Mortality.

– Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, Lisa Olson, Katie Sisneros, and Jason Zabel