Author: Heidi Thomasoni
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Things I’ve Learned As A Serial Cereal Monogamist
A couple weeks ago, Becky wrote a post about being a serial monogamist. I realized I have a similar problem: I have long-term relationships with one kind of cereal. Here are some problems I’ve encountered: After something sweet, I crave something nutritious. There comes a point when I actually glance at the nutrition information of…
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Please Shut Up About Kissing in the Rain
Who decided kissing in the rain was the only way to convey a sense of desperate passion? (Because I convey this quite well in any weather with a little bit of vodka.) After some experimentation, I’m still not getting it. Am I doing it entirely wrong or is it all just a big scam to…
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Things My Peephole Has Potentially Saved Me From
Santa. A few days ago I stepped outside my door to find a Santa Suit arranged perfectly on the ground, like Santa had simply disintegrated inside of it. I was confused and also terrified I was the new Santa because I’ve seen “The Santa Claus” with Tim Allen a billion times. I checked my facial…
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On Teaching My First Day of High School
My first day of school, I pulled into a crowded parking lot of Range Rovers and Audis. “Crap,” I thought. “They all drive better cars than me!” I stumbled to the entrance in a pair of heels because I wanted them to believe that I didn’t spend my summer galavanting across the city in sandals. I was…
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Things I Really Wanted to Say to Zac Hanson
I interviewed my childhood crush Zac Hanson (of Hanson) yesterday for the TC Daily Planet. I really wanted to say: “I used to pretend my pillow was you.” “I carried a picture of you with me on family vacations in a tiny little photo book with a teddy bear on it.” “I pretended you were…
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I’m Sorry, I Thought You Meant the Other Kind of Camping
Hey, Cindy, I just got your e-mail with the camping details, and I’m sorry, but I’m not sure this is going to work. I know I was really excited about it the other day, but you see, we were drinking, and I think I misunderstood. When you mentioned camping, I was really excited because I…
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How to Make Me Cry
Get a marching band. There’s something about a marching band that gets me every time. If the marching band is for something I did, I lose it even more. For example, during college convocation, the marching band came down the aisles of the auditorium, and all I could think was, “This is what it’s like…
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My Love Confession to Jim Carrey
This letter is for Jim Carrey because I can’t record a video without laughing. Jim. I just wanted you to know that I think you’re all-the-way handsome. Not just sexy, but creepy-sexy and hilarious. I’ve been attracted to you since you came out of that rhino’s ass in Ace Venture: When Nature Calls. If I…
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SoundTown vs. Pitchfork: A Midwest Music Festival Throwdown
The Feel When I first walked into SoundTown, I was met with a lot of space–a ton of wide-open, green space. I was overwhelmed by the emptiness and wondered where all the people were. There were a few tents in the middle with food and a couple more with art and t-shirts. It was nothing…
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My Brief, Tumultuous Past With Vodka
I’m not going to pretend like Vodka hasn’t been around the block; he’s a tramp, but the more I hate him, the more I love him. I hate the way he smells like nail polish remover, but I love the filthy burn on the way down. I hate the awkward morning after, but I love…
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I Want To Write A Rom-Com Starring Angelina Jolie
I love you, Angie, which is why I need to do this for you. I’m sorry. It’s for the best, really. You’re gorgeous, baby, but you look stressed, and I know it’s not from the kids. You’re tired; you need a break from all that action. Yeah, I saw you dodge those bullets, and you…
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What Your School Supplies Say About You
Lisa Frank Backpack, Trapper-keeper, Folders, Notebooks, Pencil Box, Pencils, Sharpeners, Erasers, etc. The Lisa Frank collection appeals to a very specific audience: drama queens. Beyond the fact that you’re simply spoiled, daddy bought you everything they make with a unicorn on it, so you can’t see how crappy life really is. Basically, that smiley polar…