My Love Confession to Jim Carrey

My Love Confession to Jim Carrey

This letter is for Jim Carrey because I can’t record a video without laughing.

Jim. I just wanted you to know that I think you’re all-the-way handsome. Not just sexy, but creepy-sexy and hilarious. I’ve been attracted to you since you came out of that rhino’s ass in Ace Venture: When Nature Calls.

If I were a lot older, I’d marry you. Actually, I’d marry you now because I’m mostly just attracted to funny guys who look good in full-rim glasses.

We’d definitely have chubby little freckle-faced kids, but if we have redheaded sons, that’d be weird.

We’d laugh all day long, but we wouldn’t go camping. Camping sucks. And no Yahtzee. Maybe some cribbage or Phase 10. And if you’re reading me stories by the fire, I hope they’re by James Thurber and not about ghosts. (What the hell, Jim?)

And the sex…could we just cuddle? I have a feeling you’re a little squishy these days. More like a nice, warm pillow than something I want to smack on the ass.

And everyday for the rest of your life, you will thank god, or maybe just my parents, that I was the appropriate age for you. I sort of am. I’m nearly 25, which is older than your daughter. Does that turn you on?

I have tan lines and split ends in my hair. And it only takes me a long time to pee if I’m reading something really good on the toilet. I don’t have any real signs of aging yet because I still look 16.

ANYWAY. I just wanted to let you know how I felt.

You’re very special.

I wish you rapid career recovery after making America uncomfortable with your love confession. I know you idolize Andy Kaufman, but you’re not him, and I still can’t see the humor in your video.

I don’t think you need artistic fulfillment because I think that’s the stupidest thing to wish someone. But I wish you facial collagen for sure.

Most of all, I wish you love and forgiveness for dating that chick who thought Autism was caused by a vaccine.

That’s all.

I like you. Really, I do. But only if you’re exactly like your Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind character.


Heidi Thomasoni

P.S. I sorta look like Emma Stone.

(Photo Credit)