Author: Heidi Thomasoni
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I Only Remember Historical Events if there was a Hollywood Blockbuster About Them
I received good grades in high school, but I have no idea how I made it through American and World History. At some point, I must have learned more presidents than Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, but the only one that comes to mind on a consistent basis is that guy that got stuck in…
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Modern Versions of Childhood Board Games
Snakes and Ladders Original Lesson: Watch where you step or you might slip on a snake. This game became popular as “Chutes and Ladders,” where the lesson changed to, “Don’t steal cookies or you’ll slide down a really long slide (which is probably really fun, so you should actually steal the cookies).” Modern version: Cords…
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Signs Your Hamster has an Eating Disorder
Loves exercising…during the day. Eats the entire dish of food…and then spits it all out and hides it underneath the exercise wheel. Drinks more water than there is space in his tiny tummy. Doesn’t like his little yogurt drop treats anymore because they have 5 calories each. Is no longer satisfied with an hour in…
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Worst Pop Song Lyrics of 2011
This was another year of horrible (yet addicting) pop music. Perhaps you were inspired by one of several ballads meant to boost your self esteem (i.e. Pink’s “Fuckin’ Perfect”) or maybe you caught yourself singing a lyric about your cell phone (i.e. Hot Chelle Rae’s “I like it like that”) I suffered through lots of…
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What Happens to Me at Gay Bars
I feel comfortable. As soon as I walk in, and the doorman says, “Hi, Honey! $5,” I know I’ve come to the right place. Even though he says that to every single bachelorette who walks through the door, I know he means it the most for me because I’m not covered in light-up necklaces. When…
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Biology and Romance: Let’s Be Realistic
To understand romance, I think we first need to take a look at animal courtship. This may come as a surprise to you, but humans are animals. Animals have one purpose in life: to pass on their genes to offspring. (Humans will argue they have a lot more purpose, but we’re sticking to science here.)…
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My Car is an Exclusive Concert Venue
My car is a concert venue in which I put on frequent performances. My car has roughly 20 speakers, so it’s a very authentic experience. I have a wide range of vocal talents, and I am never certain whether I will be rapping or singing a ballad. Because of this, I make sure I am…
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Fashion: An Elective for Teachers
Teachers of the world: what the hell are you wearing? I’ve spent the past 12 weeks teaching high school, and I can honestly say school fashion has not changed. I remember feeling sorry for my teachers when they would wear turtlenecks all five days of the school week or one of those “hip” crocheted shirts…
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Things Unfunny People Say to be Funny
“You’d think [something pretty boring that hints at your frustration]. I guess that is just too much to ask.” Examples: “You’d think everyone knows simple algebra. I guess that is just too much to ask.” “You’d think my ex would get the hint that I’ve moved on. I guess that is just too much to…
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Do Not Trick-or-Treat At My Door Unless You Are Seeking Disappointment
I had heard about these other houses as “the one that gives out king-size candy bars” or “the one that gives out dollar bills.” Frankly, I can’t compete with that. It’s just not in my budget to provide a 400-calorie meal for every neighborhood kid, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing…
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Confessions of a Skater Girl
Confession #1: I did it for the boys. My neighbor, whom I knew since we were in elementary school, grew up to be a hunky chunk of skateboarding man-meat. Suddenly, he didn’t want to hang out with a girl who made him dress up in costumes for homemade videos; he wanted to spend all of…
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Fool-proof Ways to Survive a Haunted House
Close your eyes. If you can’t see it, it can’t scare you, right? Make sure you’ve already established the group leader, and grip onto them for dear life. In most cases, the scary people can’t touch you, so this is especially effective. Make sure you’ve got a good grip on your friend because they’ll be…