Author: Becky Lang
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A Eulogy for America’s Next Top Model
The fierce and sometimes bootyful reality television series America’s Next Top model was pronounced dead today via a tweet by its creator Tyra Banks. The leading cause of death is thought to be Banks’ new makeup line, Tyra Beauty, which looks to be a modern spin on Mary Kay makeup with tangibly higher levels of “Boom Boom Boom.” Other possible causes of…
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If Haruki Murakami Were Editor-in-Chief of Playboy
Table of Contents 1. Letter From the Editor: It Occurred to Me at a Baseball Game that I Could Edit Playboy 2. Girls of the Month: 5 Girls with Particularly Cute Ears 3. Which of America’s Sexiest Women Can Unpeel and Eat an Orange in an Uncanny Way? 4. Advice of the Month: When the Complicated Girl’s Boyfriend…
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Mr. Robot – A Good Show or a Great Show?
You’re going to hear a lot of big names when you first hear about USA’s first-ever golden-era show, Mr. Robot. Kubrick. Fight Club. Christian Slater. The Pixies! What does it all mean? And should you watch Mr. Robot? After ceasing to accidentally call this show Dr. Robot, I gave it a try. My first thought…
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Lesser-Known Wedding Traditions
1. The Candlelit Sister Kiss 2. Bridal and Groomal Belly Bump 3. The Yellers Yell of Eternal Flaggelation 4. The Dance of Mr. Funky Socks 5. The Wedding Milkcrate 6. The Traditional Jumping Bridesmaids’ Photo Except the One Bridesmaid Who Timed Hers Badly (Thanks, Becky) 7. Street Dog Runs In 8. The Bride’s Virgin Sacrifice…
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18 Things Sarah Michelle Gellar Would Be Doing on Instagram if I Were in Charge of Her Social Media/ Life
1. Spinning hook kick slow-mos. 2. Slowly falling in love with off-limits men while putting on a tough exterior. 3. Looking pissed off about things while “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve plays. 4. Sharing hot pics of Freddie Prinze Junior with captions that subtly flirt with Ryan Phillipe. 5. Trying strawberry blonde and pulling it…
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An Out-of-Touch Person’s Observations at the Vans Warped Tour
I went to the Vans Warped Tour today to hang out with my boyfriend, whose band Koo Koo Kanga Roo has been along for the whole ride. I’ve never been to Warped before, despite the fact that I have generally always liked Vans shoes and music that makes mom mad. For whatever reason, I missed…
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7 Future Makeup Trends
Baby Dolling. Replacing your eyes with fake eyes that are controlled by a switch on the back of your head. Browstrology. Shaving off your eyebrows and replacing them with tattoos of your star sign. Kettlelips. A small kettlebell you attach to your upper lip to make your mouth kegels more challenging. Pool Face. Attaching a…
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6 Free Kickstarter Ideas
USB Charging Hair Extensions. Just plug your phone into your nest of hair and dig it out when it’s charged. Vacuum Hat. This hat lets you clean your floor by crawling around on your knees, pushing your head into things. Face Sticker. Why waste time in the morning washing your face and putting on makeup?…
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New Lunchables Ideas for Today’s Kids
All Cricket Lunchable! Cricket ham, cricket crackers, cricket cheese and a cricket toy made out of crickets. The ~Retro~ Lunchable: A smoothie made of nitrates, lead paint and mercury cavity fillings. Prepare to go bonkers in art class! Netflix Lunchables: We’ll fill a buffet full of food that seems good when you look at it…
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Why The Sopranos is Still the Goldenest Show of The Golden Age of T.V.
In the pilot episode of The Sopranos, a family of ducks turns out to be an important key to unlocking anxiety-ridden mobster Tony Soprano’s psyche. His therapist brings him to tears suggesting that watching the ducks fly away from his pool triggered his fear of losing his family. I was dazzled by this pilot. I had not expected to like The Sopranos.…
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Reminder: Atheism Doesn’t Need Rules
I was raised Catholic, and as a kid with an overactive imagination and a tendency toward neurotic behavior, I took it quite seriously for some time. I remember praying almost compulsively, afraid that if I didn’t list someone in my prayer, I would be responsible for their death. I excused religion from my life as…
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9 Things That Happen When You Have a Deaf Dog
1. You forget that any dog can hear. You start to see dogs as a furry class of beings that just don’t have the realm of sound. You startle when you coo “Come here, pup!” at someone else’s dog and it comes to you. Sometimes you forget that children can hear too. 2. You start…