New Lunchables Ideas for Today’s Kids

New Lunchables Ideas for Today’s Kids

All Cricket Lunchable! Cricket ham, cricket crackers, cricket cheese and a cricket toy made out of crickets.

The ~Retro~ Lunchable: A smoothie made of nitrates, lead paint and mercury cavity fillings. Prepare to go bonkers in art class!

Netflix Lunchables: We’ll fill a buffet full of food that seems good when you look at it from a distance but when you try to zero in on a choice, you realize it is all bleak.

Tom’s Lunchables: Buy one and a child in Africa gets a presumably inferior lunch.

Lolitable: A regular Lunchable that contains a tampon, just in case today’s the big day that your little girl becomes a woman. (It’s happening shockingly early due to all the birth control in our water supply!)

Wiggleables: Doesn’t matter why it’s moving!

BREAKFASTABLE: Get it? It’s breakfast, not lunch! It’s a nutritionally optimized goo in a straw, cuz today’s kids have no time to chew!

Bleakables: Nutritious meals that come individually numbered, indicating exactly how many more like them can be produced before agriculture collapses due to climate change and society descends into cannibalism and anarchy.

Warby Lunchables: We’ll send you five lunch concepts that are actually just plastic replicas of food that you place in your mouth for mouthfeel. If you don’t send back the sample kit we charge you $450.

Polyamorables: Explaining mommy and daddy through illustrated crackers and lunch meat shapes.

Frenchable: Ooh la la! Do lunch as the French do! Two cigarettes and an espresso, plus a cute black beret as a hat-toy!

The Frasierable: Tossed salad and scrambled eggs, with a free psychiatric evaluation of yourself delivered over radio!

The Old School: A real lunch, like moms used to make before feminism was invented. :( Complete with one mildly racist note from Grandpa.

The Band Kid Lunchable: Just cole slaw and shredded beets! Cuz those will never get stuck in your braces. ;)

CSAbles: A highly processed version of whatever we happened to pull out of the ground his month.

-By Becky Lang, Chrissy Stockton, Jay Boller, Jay Gabler