Tag: Kelsey McDonough
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On Having the Most Common Birthday
Today, October 5th, is my birthday. It has been that way my whole life. It’s a great day, factually speaking; you can’t argue with that. It’s the beginning of fall (or “autumn” if you’re a pretentious Ivy Leaguer or a republican), the leaves on the trees are celebrating gay pride, plus Halloween is coming up…
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Kelsey McDonough’s Realest Tweets of the Spring
Bunnies to mah left. Bunnies to mah right. (June 4) I guess I just don’t really care about M. Ward. (June 4) If canned tuna ever became illegal I’d be so effed. (June 2) how long do you think that popcorn kernel’s been in my bra? (May 30) The way l frantically check my twitter/Facebook/email/etc.…
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What’s Hot This Summer
Memes on mudflaps Bud Light Platinum, straight up with two olives Peen coozies Mariachi pontoon parties Jamba Juice with Adderall boost Jundies (jean undies) Doing it on the median Robot butlers Wearing a Selena Gomez mask Instagram porn Dissing music festival lineups Barack Obama’s ass Mitt Romney’s a$$ Lucky Boo feet Skipping the beach to…
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Things we’re genuinely curious as to whether, and under what circumstances, people have ever been stabbed to death with
Giant novelty scissors for a ribbon-cutting ceremony The stem of a plant-watering glass bulb Any of the knives we currently own O.J. Simpson’s knife Fetid bamboo shoots One of those fat kindergarten pencils, sharpened to a deadly point A hummingbird A star from the top of a Christmas tree A narwhal tooth-horn Rock candy A…
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Pros & Cons of Tucking Your Shirt into Your Undies
Pros Shirt’s not goin’ anywhere. Makes you feel like a grownup, ‘cuz hey, you tucked your shirt in. Now go research mortgage rates and make a donation to public radio while you’re at it. Wait, what did you say? LEVI CLASSIC FIT STRAIGHT LEG JEANS ARE ON SALE AT JC PENNY’S? BRB. Causes you to…
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How Wisconsin Dells Heightened My Dreadlock Complex
I recently bought a Wisconsin Dells weekend getaway Groupon so that my roommates and I could live out our childhood water park fantasies as mid-twenty-somethings. Having never been there, we asked our seemingly innocent, middle-aged hotel front desk clerk where we should eat lunch. After starring hard at me for a few seconds, she said,…
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Suggested Track Listing for Carly Rae Jepsen’s Covers Album
God Bless the U.S.A. Maybe (Lee Greenwood) Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car Maybe (Billy Ocean) I Kissed a Girl Maybe (Katy Perry) Fall On Me Maybe (R.E.M.) Like a Virgin Maybe (Madonna) I’m Goin’ Down Maybe (Bruce Springsteen) Push It Maybe (Salt-n-Pepa) Beat It Maybe (Michael Jackson) Eat It Maybe (“Weird…
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How to Make Love to Your Hunger Games Fan
Make her feel like the chosen one Put some golden tattoos on your face and dye your hair blue when you tell her she has been selected to represent fly honeys everywhere in the Sexy Games. Take her somewhere she feels comfortable Two words: THE WOODS. Getting freaky in a sleeping bag tied to a…
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How to Digitally Butter Me Up
Take a photo just for me When you text me a funny photo of the crazy lady at your bus stop wearing a Hefty bag as her only form of clothing and pelting pigeons with Necco Wafers, I feel honored that you saved that joke just for me. When I see it on Facebook, Twitter,…
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Thank You for Noticing My Sunburn
“Oh, yikes!” **Ouchy/grimace face** “You, my friend, are sunburned.” OMG! You noticed! Thank god! I mean, I laid outside at the pool literally all day to get this outrageous color just to get your attention and IT WORKED! Well, Whoopi-fucking-Goldberg! I. Am. Thrilled. Why, why, why does everyone feel the need to inform you about…
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Proof That I Haven’t Quite Made It To Adulthood, According To My Mother
I sent out an excited mass text to everyone in my cell phone when I got “High School Musical on Ice” tickets for Christmas. Talk radio makes me car sick. I proudly display my Kleenex content to anyone near me after a powerful nose blowing. If said content doesn’t fit within the snot color status…
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Valentines From a Single Gal
“I don’t really even like edible gifts or attention of any kind, so this day is like really not a big deal to me!” “I wore this ridiculously over the top red and pink outfit to camouflage the fact that I feel bad that I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year and a…