How to Digitally Butter Me Up

How to Digitally Butter Me Up

Take a photo just for me
When you text me a funny photo of the crazy lady at your bus stop wearing a Hefty bag as her only form of clothing and pelting pigeons with Necco Wafers, I feel honored that you saved that joke just  for me. When I see it on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Foursquare, too, I feel significantly less special. I thought Trash Bag Lady was our thing.

DM me on Twitter
You could just at-tweet me your funny little flirt/joke, but if you really want me swooning, you best DM me. It’s so… I dunno… intimate. Yes, you run the risk of me never seeing it because the only DMs I get are spam offering me the once in a lifetime chance to earn $3,000/hour working from home, but if I do see it? You are in.

Tag me in an inside joke status on Facebook
It shows me you want the world (your college friends and coworkers) to see you we have some sort of blossoming relationship and that you want them to creep on my photos because you think I’m pretty and worth bragging about. Thanks for the social media shout out, boo J

Repin all my shit on Pinterest
It just makes me feel relevant. That’s all. You’ve gotta be careful though, because most of my pins are either cheetah print clogs or blog posts on the easiest ways to remove glitter nail polish. It’s a very thin line between paying me attention via Pinterest and appearing to be gay.

BCC me on emails to other people
I don’t really care about your freelance website redesign project for that local nonprofit that gives copies of The Hunger Games to the homeless, but I appreciate being in the loop on secrets of any kind. Those jokers don’t even know that I know that they get less than 5 web hits/day.

Talk techy to me IRL
Casually mention that funny “robot voice” post I made on my Tumblr the other day, in robot voice. Say things like “winkie face emoticon” when our hands accidentally touch.

Compliment my word choice in our Words with Friends Game
Ask me what I’m wearing on the little chat feature and try to use suggestive words (“secret,” “lust,” “hickey”) on your turns. Show me that you value the concept of “us” over your word scores. That’s true love, you know.

Kelsey McDonough