“I don’t really even like edible gifts or attention of any kind, so this day is like really not a big deal to me!”
“I wore this ridiculously over the top red and pink outfit to camouflage the fact that I feel bad that I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year and a half!”
“I didn’t shave my legs today! Or any day in the last two weeks, for that matter! I’m going to watch three episodes of True Life: I’m a Textaholic tonight to celebrate all the time I’ve saved! ”
“Eat these candies I brought into the office so you get fat and then I’ll have a better chance at beating you out for our cute co-worker’s attention!”
“I’m allergic to roses and the sheen of diamonds gives me a migraine! Plus, “true love” is a made up feeling, so have fun with that!”
“Don’t worry about me while you’re on a dinner date with your fiancee ‘cuz I’ll be super busy eating a whole pizza and watching a Harrison Ford marathon with my Grandma!”
“While you were on your date, I managed to eat six Pop-Tarts, drink a bottle of wine and convince myself that I would have better luck as a lesbian!”
“Boys, schmoys, amiright? LOL!” *sigh*
“Honestly, I don’t mind Valentine’s Day because it’s the best day to practice my self-deprecating I’ll-Be-Alone-Forever-And-It’s-Sorta-Funny-Sorta-Not stand-up routine!”
“FYI, I’ve made out with like 26 people in my life, so don’t feel sorry for me!”
“I prefer to sleep alone because I have a large wingspan and haven’t found anyone else thus far in my life who shares my morning preference of waking up to vintage John Travolta singles played at full blast!”
– Kelsey McDonough will probably treat herself to Dairy Queen this Valentine’s Day because she likes the way it tastes and that it is just a food and is, thus, incapable of judging her.
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