Author: Dunstan McGill
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A Modest Proposal to My Hot Cousin … To Do Some Incest with Me
Hear me out. My cousins are hot. Ok. And not “hot” in a Pam Anderson in Barbed Wire kind of way. Gross. And, dumb. No, my cousins all (or all except those creepy athlete girls from Nebraska we hardly see ‘cept at funerals) have this attractive combination of wit, class, and legs. Dynamite legs. And…
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Types of Instagram Narcissism
Food Narcissism: The Cuban breakfast plate, the muy grande Tex-Mex burrito, the sharp knives slicing the artichoke heart—the photos are always painfully close-up, like wall-art from some boring magazine your mom reads on Saturday afternoons. Twentysomething Professional Narcissism: This supercilious asshole comes in two forms: the “look how busy I am at work” variety, featuring papers,…
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The Charming Humility of Sugar Ray
I never had a problem with Sugar Ray back in the 90s. I vividly remember singing along to every word on “Fly” on the eight grade bus with my token chubby friend. But it seems like some folks did have problems. Because it wasn’t cool to like Sugar Ray. How can I be so sure? I…
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Enough With the Children’s Choirs Already!
In John Gardner’s seminal how-to-guide On Becoming a Novelist (a professor once told me all books about writing books suck….except for this one), he addresses that nasty habit of writers and other general creative types hating on each other’s work. This is okay, even cool, Gardner says. Just means you have standards. Naturally, this was…
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Hyper-Active Child Live-Tweets Mr. Rogers Neighborhood
I WILL BE YOUR NEIGHBOR I WILL I WILL X10000 #butwheredoulive? Same outfit as yesterday @MistaR I want to touch the sides of your shoes. #tactilelearner @MistaR Puttin on the shoes. Unlace. Unbutton. Closet. Hanger. Zip up. Lace up. #icanfeelmymotorskillsdeveloping GOTZ A PACKAGE @MistaMcFeely #speedydelivery Oh. Just an envelope with the number 8 inside. Learned…
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The False Mystique of Living in Small Town USA
I’m 27 years old. And for approximately 85% of my twenties, I’ve lived in a small town. (The other 15% I was in Rochester, MN, and Minneapolis, MN, in Loring Park.) Point is, when someone has said I’ll meet you at the bowling alley, I’ve known which one. Occupying the lone coffee shop in town,…
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How I Plan to Spend Today’s April Fool’s Day
Call up an ex-girlfriend living 800 miles away, inform her I haven’t ever stopped thinking about her, in fact, I think we were born for each other, then tell her I was moving to town to try to win her back. Wait for her response, then say, “APRIL FOOL’S,” then quickly hang up before she…
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How to Know if Your Job Interview is Actually for an Opening in a Pyramid Scheme
The interviewer refers to his grandpa on two different occasions, with two different names. Normal interviews—say for a desk job answering phones at a law firm—won’t typically deter into long asides about what the interviewer’s grandfather taught him about work ethic. But when you’re trying to convince college kids to spend their summers shuffling door-to-door…
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What’s the Deal With Chuck Klosterman’s Fiction?
Like many of his beloved ‘80s hair metal bands suffering through mid-career artistic crises, Chuck Klosterman’s novel-writing period is like his 1990s. First there was Downtown Owl, a book that took various lives in a small-town in North Dakota (pot-smoking, single school teacher, high school quarterback who doesn’t understand lyrics to “Jump,” and an old…
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Conversations I Have In My Head While Filling Out My Taxes Online
Why aren’t I married? I mean, shit, I cut a nice profile when my slacks are ironed, my stutter isn’t too bad anymore, and I use body soap. Like what-the-fuck-does-a-guy-gotta do?! Even the government is like, dude, serious? What you waiting for? What would it be like to have overseas investments? Do you think when…
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Seven Uncool Ways to Be the “Cool” Professor
1) Refer casually to controlled substances. Last week I saw a professor in the sciences crack jokes with students about the chemical composition of cocaine. I’ve also seen professors talk about “brand-less cigarettes” when in a pinch. Dude, you got like three degrees. There’s no way you couldn’t have done that much smack. 2) Ask…
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How Not to Do a SXSW Red Carpet Interview with Matthew McConaughey, Or Turns Out Owen Wilson Is Someone Different
1) Request a red carpet interview pass at the SXSW premiere of a new Matthew McConaughey film, say Killer Joe. You have virtually zero journalistic interest in the film. But you want to meet celebrities (and this one has three, including Gina Gershon and Emile Hirsch). 2) Arrive early. The publicist will ask, “So who…