Why aren’t I married? I mean, shit, I cut a nice profile when my slacks are ironed, my stutter isn’t too bad anymore, and I use body soap. Like what-the-fuck-does-a-guy-gotta do?! Even the government is like, dude, serious? What you waiting for?

What would it be like to have overseas investments? Do you think when Mitt Romney answers this question he thinks about guys like me? Pities them? Like, I can’t believe how I’d get by without owning that soccer team in Tibet or something.

Isn’t it weird to say that I lived in South Dakota? Like do people know that’s a real state?

If you were in the military, do you pay taxes? If you were in the military, dishonorably discharged, do you still pay taxes? Or is that like like double-jeopardy?

WHAT IS THAT SMELL COMING FROM BENEATH MY SINK?!

(15 minutes later)

If I had a child, let’s just say Ashley didn’t, you know, take the whatever, would I be paying more or less? And, would we still be together? Why aren’t we still together? Because that guy has money and you don’t, loser. Whatever. That guy’s a golfer. LAME.

Isn’t the calculator thingy on my computer so cute?

Seriously, that smell is back, that muther-fucking smell is ba…

A better man would spend his rebate on new gasket heads for my car. BUT…let’s be real. I’m gonna just buy clothing from that dude on Etsy who says he worked on the Miami Vice wardrobe.

Taxes must be more stressful when you have money. I’ve run into more complications signing up for porn sites than this.

Why is my Spotify social stuff not working right? Should I make a money-themed playlist? But, if no one sees it, what’s the point? And won’t I just end up throwing on like one obligatory money song (like Floyd) and then just add shit that I listen to already like Roy Orbison and Spoon?

Should I start to think about my financial futu…WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL?!

~Dunstan McGill

Photo courtesy Mat Honan