Author: Dunstan McGill
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Early Onset Medical Concerns Associated with Sexting
-Rashes or burn marks on your chest when you leave your phone/laptop to free up a hand for a little passion dining “table of one” down below. -Induced vertigo while debating synonyms. Like have you’ve already used “round tits” and “candy ass?” Or have this time you stuck mostly to “lush pussy” and “sensual, sofa-shaped…
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What You Learn About a Girl from Her Sex Playlist on Spotify
No crunk, except for late-stage Kanye: While lots of girls gain exterior street cred by screen-saving their Spotify playlist when it plays Birdman, this one is secretly girly. Or she’s a Polish lingerie model. It’s a string of indie bands: Celebrating a bunch of Arcade Fire in a row may indicate she paid savvy attention…
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Half-Completed, Work-in-Progress Stories I’m Thinking About Submitting to Narrative’s 6-Word Story Series
…Then I barfed. Rollerskating really hurts Ride my Cadillac! That’s your girlfriend? Forget. We. Fucked. Investigate my PEACEPIPE; Clean up, Placenta! “I’m sorry, goonfuck,” Shinyred buttonteeth forchomping. War is hilARIOUS .broke mind Tom’s Racist airplanes attack, —Oh, the carousel I’m your Post-Doc. Freddie Phelps’ presents…. EAT YOUR SURREAL. ~Dunstan McGill 0 likes
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On Joe Bovino’s “Field Guide to Chicks of the United States”
It’s supposed to appeal to those dudes who turn to Big Buck Hunter II when bar conversation veers away from Stuart Scott. In other words, this book comes directly from the penis of Joe Bovino, American douchebag who says he got a law degree and pioneered some workout craze. OK, it’s not that bad. In…
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An Open Letter to My New Neighbors, the Bros
Dear Bros, A few days ago you moved in, and I gotta say I’m impressed. Yes, I’ve been watching you. Yep, from the second story window there. I’m the guy in the tighty-whities sipping bad coffee with my robe open at 2 in the afternoon. Yep, that’s me waving! Anyway, in lieu of dropping off…
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How to Discreetly Check Into a Hotel When a Groomsman is Lying, Possibly Dead from Alcohol Poisoning, on a Luggage Rack in the Lobby
You arrive just in time to see EMTs rush into the fancy downtown hotel you’re staying at this Saturday night. The men of the wedding party all stand outside the entrance, smoking away their nerves. “He doesn’t need it now,” one guy barks. You take this to mean he—whoever he is—has recovered from whatever momentary…
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How Many Dates Before a Drunken Make-Out Session on the Porch is a Reasonable Expectation?
I don’t really have a move. Once in high school, in the back of a car, I turned to my friend and point-blank asked her, “Well…so should we do this or what?” We proceeded to awkwardly kiss/grope/stop hanging out in her parents’ basement. Since then, it’s been about a decade worth of intense bureaucratic foreplay…
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Hooray! My 82-Year Old Grandpa Finally Got His College Degree…That Deadbeat Sack of Shit
Hey, sweet! My Grandpa Carson just did the unthinkable! After 82 years of his wretched existence sullying this planet, he finally cleaned himself up for four years and plowed through a bachelor’s of science degree in business at the local bullshit community college. La-de-fucking dah. Now maybe he can start paying off my mom’s medical…
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Playbilling My Childhood’s Summer Community Theater Exploits
July 1992, Traveling Children’s Theater Production of Cinderella, Palace Guard (Stage Right), 7 years old: I really had disagreements with the script’s dissimilarities to the Disney version. All I remember is standing guard next to the Queen—a middle school girl who wore a fancy purple velvet shawl—then staring hard at the shawl for minutes, blacking…
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The Gangsta Rap Guide to Dealing With Haters at Work
Tip #1: Remind yourself what Rousseau said about humans being noble savages. Then remind yourself he’s wrong, and actually Dr. Dre was right when he said, “Give me one more platinum plaque and fuck rap, you can have it back.” Yes, French philosophy tells us humans are more than animals; that we have capacity for…
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How to Get Stood Up
Thursday, 5 p.m. Send tentative text message, painstakingly loose and breezy, so you hide the hours during work you crafted it, Hey! You wanna go to a sweet 90s dance party Sat?! Don’t yet consider anything about Mel Gibson foiling your plans. Thursday, 5 p.m.—Friday 2 a.m. Stay awake, alert, shaking, keeping your phone at close…
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How I Feel About My Brother Getting Circumcised
We all have those memories. Sitting in the bathtub. Staring at your brother’s penis. Trying to focus on building your bubble-bath mustache but arrested by the question why is his different than yours, etc. I guess in the 1980s sometime parents stopped compulsively slicing skin off their baby boy’s member…but, well, I was circumcised. (I’m…