Early Onset Medical Concerns Associated with Sexting
-Rashes or burn marks on your chest when you leave your phone/laptop to free up a hand for a little passion dining “table of one” down..
What You Learn About a Girl from Her Sex Playlist on Spotify
No crunk, except for late-stage Kanye: While lots of girls gain exterior street cred by screen-saving their Spotify playlist when it p..
Half-Completed, Work-in-Progress Stories I’m Thinking About Submitting to Narrative’s 6-Word Story Series
…Then I barfed.
Rollerskating really hurts
Ride my Cadillac!
That’s your girlfriend?
Forget. We. Fucked.
On Joe Bovino’s “Field Guide to Chicks of the United States”
It’s supposed to appeal to those dudes who turn to Big Buck Hunter II when bar conversation veers away from Stuart Scott. In other words, ..
An Open Letter to My New Neighbors, the Bros
A few days ago you moved in, and I gotta say I’m impressed. Yes, I’ve been watching you. Yep, from the second story wind..
How to Discreetly Check Into a Hotel When a Groomsman is Lying, Possibly Dead from Alcohol Poisoning, on a Luggage Rack in the Lobby
You arrive just in time to see EMTs rush into the fancy downtown hotel you’re staying at this Saturday night. The men of the wedding party..
How Many Dates Before a Drunken Make-Out Session on the Porch is a Reasonable Expectation?
I don’t really have a move. Once in high school, in the back of a car, I turned to my friend and point-blank asked her, “Well…so should we..
Hooray! My 82-Year Old Grandpa Finally Got His College Degree…That Deadbeat Sack of Shit
Hey, sweet! My Grandpa Carson just did the unthinkable! After 82 years of his wretched existence sullying this planet, he finally clea..
Playbilling My Childhood’s Summer Community Theater Exploits
July 1992, Traveling Children’s Theater Production of Cinderella, Palace Guard (Stage Right), 7 years old: I really had disagreements with..
The Gangsta Rap Guide to Dealing With Haters at Work
Tip #1: Remind yourself what Rousseau said about humans being noble savages. Then remind yourself he’s wrong, and actually Dr. Dre was..
How to Get Stood Up
Thursday, 5 p.m. Send tentative text message, painstakingly loose and breezy, so you hide the hours during work you crafted it, Hey! You w..
How I Feel About My Brother Getting Circumcised
We all have those memories. Sitting in the bathtub. Staring at your brother’s penis. Trying to focus on building your bubble-bath mustache..