Types of Instagram Narcissism
Food Narcissism: The Cuban breakfast plate, the muy grande Tex-Mex burrito, the sharp knives slicing the artichoke heart—the photos are always painfully close-up, like wall-art from some boring magazine your mom reads on Saturday afternoons.
Twentysomething Professional Narcissism: This supercilious asshole comes in two forms: the “look how busy I am at work” variety, featuring papers, staplers, computer work, or half-drank coffee cups with wry taglines, like “all for the benjamins” or “might kill my coworkers today.” Or this person features photos of the exposed wiring in the ceiling of the warehouse where their Internet start-up is located. The second kind is the kind I’d like to see stopped. (Photo courtesy katemonkey.)
Nail Polish Narcissism—From a guy’s perspective, this is cute. Most of us don’t pretend to care about this kinda thing. But we are soothed and kind of baffled by the kaleidoscope of colors. Still…I have a hunch in the world of girls, this might just be like a guy shooting photos of his biceps everyday. (Photo courtesy Chellseeyy.)
Funny Misspelling Narcissism: We get it already, English grammar is a wily bird of prey elusive to most cremation businesses and proprietors of roadside gas stations in rural Wisconsin. Keep putting the grammar in Instagrammer! (Photo courtesy Conan the Librarian.)
Boob Narcissism: I don’t know how this slipped in. It’s like when scientists tell us that that Canadian goose is actually like a long-lost progeny of dinosaurs, but the boob shot which steadied MySpace’s bankrolls for a good five years has resurfaced on Instagram (mostly with my emo cousin though). She’s gotten more subtle, but watch out for pool-side shots, plunging evening dresses, and the sorta-crude check-out-my-new-Rise-Against-T-shirt/stare-down-my-V-neck. (Photo courtesy The Chanel.)
Vanity Plates Narcissism: This person seems to stand on street corner and, with the eagle-eye tenacity of a state trooper, watch for bozos driving VW Bugs with “LADZMAN” or big-ass pick ups sporting “URMOM” license plates. This photo poster chair-lifts their own savvy-observer vibes and seems desirous of showcasing their superiority to culture writ large/rednecks driving jeeps. (Photo courtesy tobyotter.)
Narcissist Narcissism: This is perhaps the most confounding of all the narcissists—he seems to be in love with himself…doing anything. He is hard to spot. But, his photos routinely lack artistic merits. Usually it’s just him standing in a mirror—exemplifying whatever he finds momentarily fascinating. Like drinking a 40-ounce Big Gulp. Comparing his new hair to a photo of an old haircut. Or wearing a wrinkled pairs of khakis. If you’re still wondering, this asshole is me.