Tag: Becky Lang
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Wedding Vows Updated for Various Groups
Millennials: I, [Brooklyn], take you, [Jonas], to be my #mancrushmonday/wifey, to Snapchat and to swipe right on, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for bottomless mimosa brunch times, and for grad school debt times, in gluten-allergies and paleo diets, until YOLO turns to BAAAAIII. Yuppies: I, [Salix], take you, [Eleanor], to be my…
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An Update on Daytime TV for All You 9-5-ers
A few months ago, I decided to go freelance. Not trying to be all “I QUIT MY DAY JOB TO BE AN ARTISTE, BUT IT’S ACTUALLY WAY HARDER THAN WORKING, GUYS” here. It’s more like I saw people charging hourly and calling their cats their colleagues and I wanted in on that racket. Who knows if it will be forever,…
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Ideas for Celebrating Women During Modern Financial Transactions
Yay! Apparently, they are going to put a woman on the $20 bill sometime in the next 15 years. Girl. Power. Just kidding. By then almost no one will actually use cash anymore. We women know when we’re getting played. Thus, I, a woman, have come up with some demands for celebrating ladykind every time you…
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20 Things You Never Knew About Cats
-A cat is actually a bunch of smaller cats working together to look like one cat. -Cats will shut down if you touch them in a certain spot behind their right ear. -Schrodinger’s cat was arrested during Occupy Wall Street. -The largest cat on record wasn’t actually as big as you might think he was.…
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8 Things that Might Happen in the New Star Wars
1. The soundtrack will be the original John Williams music as covered by Ryan Adams 2. Emoji subtitles 3. The dark side will be breeding teacup Ewoks 4. In the wake of Empire’s setbacks and destabilized economy, the new galactic currency will be changed to Bitcoin 5. Sarah Koenig will be narrating the search for Luke’s hand 6.…
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A Eulogy for America’s Next Top Model
The fierce and sometimes bootyful reality television series America’s Next Top model was pronounced dead today via a tweet by its creator Tyra Banks. The leading cause of death is thought to be Banks’ new makeup line, Tyra Beauty, which looks to be a modern spin on Mary Kay makeup with tangibly higher levels of “Boom Boom Boom.” Other possible causes of…
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If Haruki Murakami Were Editor-in-Chief of Playboy
Table of Contents 1. Letter From the Editor: It Occurred to Me at a Baseball Game that I Could Edit Playboy 2. Girls of the Month: 5 Girls with Particularly Cute Ears 3. Which of America’s Sexiest Women Can Unpeel and Eat an Orange in an Uncanny Way? 4. Advice of the Month: When the Complicated Girl’s Boyfriend…
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Mr. Robot – A Good Show or a Great Show?
You’re going to hear a lot of big names when you first hear about USA’s first-ever golden-era show, Mr. Robot. Kubrick. Fight Club. Christian Slater. The Pixies! What does it all mean? And should you watch Mr. Robot? After ceasing to accidentally call this show Dr. Robot, I gave it a try. My first thought…
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Lesser-Known Wedding Traditions
1. The Candlelit Sister Kiss 2. Bridal and Groomal Belly Bump 3. The Yellers Yell of Eternal Flaggelation 4. The Dance of Mr. Funky Socks 5. The Wedding Milkcrate 6. The Traditional Jumping Bridesmaids’ Photo Except the One Bridesmaid Who Timed Hers Badly (Thanks, Becky) 7. Street Dog Runs In 8. The Bride’s Virgin Sacrifice…
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18 Things Sarah Michelle Gellar Would Be Doing on Instagram if I Were in Charge of Her Social Media/ Life
1. Spinning hook kick slow-mos. 2. Slowly falling in love with off-limits men while putting on a tough exterior. 3. Looking pissed off about things while “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve plays. 4. Sharing hot pics of Freddie Prinze Junior with captions that subtly flirt with Ryan Phillipe. 5. Trying strawberry blonde and pulling it…
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An Out-of-Touch Person’s Observations at the Vans Warped Tour
I went to the Vans Warped Tour today to hang out with my boyfriend, whose band Koo Koo Kanga Roo has been along for the whole ride. I’ve never been to Warped before, despite the fact that I have generally always liked Vans shoes and music that makes mom mad. For whatever reason, I missed…
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7 Future Makeup Trends
Baby Dolling. Replacing your eyes with fake eyes that are controlled by a switch on the back of your head. Browstrology. Shaving off your eyebrows and replacing them with tattoos of your star sign. Kettlelips. A small kettlebell you attach to your upper lip to make your mouth kegels more challenging. Pool Face. Attaching a…