Tag: Jon (Name Removed)
-
Why Sarcasm is For Losers
When I was an angsty youngster, mad at the world for making me black and smarter than everyone else, I had one consistent solace in my sea of wrath: sarcasm. At the time, I thought it was the Communication of Gods. It effectively alienated those not in my cabal and made my insecure, pimply being…
-
How to Be an American Abroad
Men’s clothing: Wear a t-shirt advertising the city you’re visiting. If you’re in Venice and your shirt says “Ciao Italy,” you’re doing it right. Women’s clothing: Wear slutty clothes, especially when touring sacred sites. Who cares if this was once a site of genocide? That was like 200 years ago and it’s hot outside, so…
-
Eight Really Bad Things I’ve Done, and the Paybacks I Got in Return
Offense: In kindergarten, I climbed up a slide with a big rock and dropped it on another kid’s head. His head split open and there was blood everywhere. He got taken away in an ambulance. Payback: After the incident, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up. I was in so much trouble…
-
On Being Mulatto
Being biracial is way less of a drag than people assume it will be. Apparently when my white mom was planning to mate with my black dad, people would whisper, “What about the children? They will never have a racial identity.” I guess they were right – we don’t have a racial identity and that’s…
-
How to Be Way Too High in the Airport
Oopsies. Looks like that chocolate you just ate out of your brother’s fridge was laced with weed. Your flight is in 1.5 hours. Congrats, you are now going to be really, really high in the airtport. Here’s how to make it through without getting the ‘ol oil check from TSA. Dress appropriately. It’s no coincidence…
-
Black People: A Guide for Whitey
Black people do not love sleeping over at your house. The amount of loot American black people (especially girls) spend on hair products is way higher than the GDP of Kenya. We drop hundreds on relaxer, hairspray, Murray’s Oil, weaves, moisturizer and perms each month. Cotton sheets destroy fresh hairdos, so if you expect us…
-
Why Snooki Deserves More $ Than Toni Morrison
If you follow the Twitters or other illustrious publications like PerezHilton, you likely know by now that Snooki was recently paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers, whereas Toni Morrison was only paid $30,000. As a white person, you also likely used an adjective like “shocking,” “disturbing” or tweeted it with the hashtag #signofthearmageddon. But come…
-
What Your Cigarette Brand Says About You and How You Want to Die
Menthol: You’re not afraid of dying and/or you are a member of People More Prone to Get AIDS (gay/black/ultra-promiscuous). How you want to die: At a pot luck, in a room by yourself watching TV, or doing poppers in the bathroom. You’re living life and not giving a fuck. American Spirits: You’re a hippie or…
-
What Your Water Consumption Style Says About You
Tap Water: I’m frugal and not afraid of yuppy germ hysteria. I am also not afraid of Velveeta cheese. Footwear = Jerry Seinfeld shoes. Commercially Bottled Water: I’m into being healthy, but don’t really care about the environment. Footwear = Nike Shox. Water in Nalgene: I’m into being eco-friendly & natural, but not so obsessed…
-
Shower Gloves and Other Neat Hygiene Secrets I learned from Strippers, Gay Dudes and Soldiers
I’ve always been taught to “walk with beggars and with kings,” which basically means that no matter who you’re dealing with, they have some nugget of information that could greatly improve your life. Here are some gems I picked up along the way about hygiene. Strippers – After I graduated from college, my parents moved…
-
A Guide to Quitting Smoking
You have to quit smoking at some point. Not today maybe, but definitely before you turn 30. Smoking is totally cool during your teens and early ’20s, but if you don’t stop before you’re three decades old, you will get wrinkly, get cancer and then die. Even the surgeon general acknowledges that you can almost…
-
The Revised Guide to Having a Politically-Correct Courting Experience with a Woman You Care About
So I wrote A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls a couple weeks ago and it seemed to get a lot of people really mad. In fact, I made a word cloud from the many angry comments: From their feedback, I learned just how wrong I was. After sincerely reading all of these obviously accurate observations about…