Offense: In kindergarten, I climbed up a slide with a big rock and dropped it on another kid’s head. His head split open and there was blood everywhere. He got taken away in an ambulance.
Payback: After the incident, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up. I was in so much trouble that I was too scared to move so another kid peed on my shoes. I just sat there in his piss.
Offense: In fourth grade I got into an altercation on the soccer field that ended with me stomping Nick B.’s face with my soccer cleats.
Payback: That year my eyesight started to get bad, so I was banished to a lifetime of squinting through unwieldy glasses.
Offense: In seventh grade, I teased Carly J. on the bus about being fat. She told me later that’s why she developed an eating disorder in high school.
Payback: Carly was part of the popular crowd that I was courting. Fucking with Carly got me banned from the cool kid table for life.
Offense: In ninth grade, I did an overhead chop on Jason B.’s head with my backpack. His forehead began spewed blood everywhere, resulting in an ambulance ride and tons of stitches.
Payback: None. Fuck that kid. God gave me some great blowjobs that year.
Offense: In 10th grade, I told my girlfriend that New Year’s was going to be special. That night, I then hooked up with four different girls, including her.
Payback: I was unable to have a real relationship for the next five years.
Offense: In 11th grade, I woke Ryan G. up from a drunken slumber and told him to drink some water. The water was my piss. He drank a lot of it. Later, Ryan confronted me about the piss incident and my friend tackled him and I kicked him in the head.
Payback: I got a concussion skateboarding. To cure my headache I ate a bunch of Advils and tried to go to sleep. The ER doctor told me I almost died that day.
Offense: In college, I slept with a girl, the condom broke and I came inside of her. I told her I would take her to Planned Parenthood the next day. When she called, I didn’t answer.
Payback: I became a full-throttle alcoholic that year, which destroyed my liver/relationships/life for the next decade.
Offense: As a post-graduate, I began dating a girl for a few months. During one manic week, I fucked her two best friends.
Payback: I was skateboarding and my leg got impaled by a sharp metal rod. After 17 stitches and a tetanus shot, I couldn’t walk. The next day, my car stopped working so I had to bike 5 miles to work with a bum leg all summer.
– Jon (Name Removed)
Photo by ModernDope (Creative Commons)
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