Men’s clothing: Wear a t-shirt advertising the city you’re visiting. If you’re in Venice and your shirt says “Ciao Italy,” you’re doing it right.
Women’s clothing: Wear slutty clothes, especially when touring sacred sites. Who cares if this was once a site of genocide? That was like 200 years ago and it’s hot outside, so let your muffin top breathe.
Drinking: Although you have the option of going to a local bar with local people and local spirits, do not do this. Instead, go to an Irish pub (located in every major foreign city), drink $8 Jack Daniels shots and realize the only people in there are other fat English-speakers. Bonus points for requesting they play “Sweet Caroline.”
Eating: If a food establishment looks different, avoid it. If the menu is written in English, the ambiance evokes the Olive Garden, and the prices seem outrageous, eat there now. Extra credit for ordering chicken nuggets at McDonald’s.
Shopping: Go to Abercrombie, American Apparel and H&M. Although these stores can easily be found in the states, the dismal U.S. exchange rate will let you pay more to dress like your new Midwestern friends over at the Irish pub.
Speech: Default to English. Although you’re abroad, always assume everyone speaks your language. Extra credit if you say “hello” in the native tongue, then revert to speaking rapid-fire English.
Complaining: Do it constantly. Is the bathroom different? Complain. Are the lines predictably long during peak tourist season? Complain. Make sure you say that you love the local cuisine but still “really wish I could get a decent chicken wing.”
Photos: Take a million shot of everything. Look at that cat! Oh my god a brown cat IN INDIA?! Post every photo to Facebook.
Internet: Be sure to complain if it’s slow in the third world. Yeah, maybe 80% of the population doesn’t have clean drinking water, but that doesn’t matter when you’re trying to catch up on your blogs. Extra credit: Make fun of the keyboard and it’s upside down Russian letters.
-Jon spends his time abroad writing blog posts
Photo by alternatePhotography
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