If you follow the Twitters or other illustrious publications like PerezHilton, you likely know by now that Snooki was recently paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers, whereas Toni Morrison was only paid $30,000. As a white person, you also likely used an adjective like “shocking,” “disturbing” or tweeted it with the hashtag #signofthearmageddon. But come on, there’s nothing shocking about Snooki getting more paper than T.Morr. Here’s why:
Snooki wrote a book at a younger age. Toni Morrison was 39 when she first published The Bluest Eye. Snooki was published at 23. When Toni Morrison was the same age, she was just another useless academic, writing papers about suicide that no one really reads.
Snooki reps New Jersey. Rutger’s is the State University of New Jersey, so locals deserve a little hookup. Sure, Toni Morrison does get some Jersey credibility for being the former Chair of Humanities at Princeton, but that school’s an ivy-covered bubble that never associates with the rest of the state’s “proletariats.” Snooki, in contrast, was on the Jersey fucking Shore and reps the dirty Jerz super hard.
Snooki is realer. Toni Morrison won a Nobel Prize because her books “gives life to an essential aspect of American reality.” Books about self-hating black people and poetry don’t represent the authentic black experience. Real (non-academic) black people are too busy dancing and buying Jordans to give a fuck about getting the Bluest Eyes. Snooki is 23 and concerned with getting it in and getting wasted. You know who else thinks about that? Every 23-year-old.
Snooki has better hair. Toni Morrison needs to understand that dreadies were a cool look for free-thinking black folks in the early ’90s. Now, people still rocking dreadies look like they have tiny poop logs coming out of their head. Snooki, on the other hand, has an iconic poof that women all over the country by Bump-Its to recreate.
So stop hating on Rutger’s decision because, honestly, would you rather kick it with: a boring, angsty octagerian or a delightfully peppy party midget who wants to take shots at the beach?
-Jon [Name removed]
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