You have to quit smoking at some point. Not today maybe, but definitely before you turn 30. Smoking is totally cool during your teens and early ’20s, but if you don’t stop before you’re three decades old, you will get wrinkly, get cancer and then die. Even the surgeon general acknowledges that you can almost completely eliminate your risk of lung cancer if you stop before 30. So let’s get started.
A Month Before Your Quit Date
Be honest with yourself. Don’t lie and pretend smoking isn’t awesome. Smoking is awesome. Cigarettes not only serve to calm your nerves and make partying way cooler, they also help you gracefully navigate social situations. If you want to start a conversation with a stranger, just bum a smoke. If the stranger turns out to be a creep, put it out and go inside. If you’re alone, smoking relaxes fidgeting hands and keeps you company during your walk home.
Start thinking of answers to why you want to quit. In a month, tons of people are going to ask. Choose your own response, but as a rule of thumb, if you don’t want to get into it, just say “I’m taking a break for now.” If you want to bore someone and kill the flow of a conversation, you can always wax about self-improvement, Deepak Chopra, The Secret or whatever other hippie-magic literature middle-aged Moms are into these days.
3 Weeks to Quit Date
Every time you smoke, write down how you’re feeling. Keep an index card and a pen in your pocket to record this stuff. Are you tired? Sad? Bored? Distracted? Anxious? Energetic? Drunk? Themes will begin to develop. By paying attention to your triggers, you’ll be able to predict future cravings and react appropriately later on.
Request some time off of work for your quit day. You’re going to be under serious stress and your job shouldn’t compete. Give yourself at least three days to focus exclusively on quitting.
2 Weeks to Quit Date
Score drugs! This is the fun part. Remember when I told you to record your feelings during nicotine cravings? Now you get to use the internet to figure out which pharmecuticals/herbal remedies/foods counteract the emotions you feel when you want a cigarettes. Here’s a beginner’s guide of symptoms and solutions:
- Tired: Redbull, B-12 pills, Adderall*. Take a fucking nap.
- Sad: Valium, St. John’s Wart. Go to therapy.
- Bored: LSD, Get a hobby.
- Distracted: Adderall, Omega-3s.
- Anxious: Xanax, weed. Practice meditation or go to yoga.
- Energetic: Melatonin. Get some exercise.
- Drunk: Don’t drink for a couple days, dude.
*If you’re 23 or younger, all the aforementioned pills are pretty easy to get from your friends. If you’re over 25, get them from your intern’s friends.
1 Week to Quit Date
Get your mind right. Start going on blogs and spend some serious time learning and realistically start envisioning your life without cigarettes. WebMD has a good list of the withdrawal symptoms you can expect. They are all real and they all suck. Be prepared to frown.
Go to the grocery store. Buy gum for oral fixation and a bunch of food. Your body is going to be a temple now, so you should treat her right (the drugs don’t count). Also, eating healthy for a few days means you can binge eat without fear of gaining quitter’s weight. We all know being fat is worse than smoking.
Figure out how much money you spend on cigarettes. This should get you stoked to spend your money on cooler stuff. Use this formula:
Cost of a pack of cigarettes (with tax)
X
Packs smoked per week (including parties)
X
52 weeks
_____________________
= $ Spent on cigarettes per year
Even if you’re only smoking two packs every week, that’s $500 -$900 per year*. That’s the cost of a plane ticket overseas. Remind yourself that more baller-ass vacations is better than more cigarettes.
* If you don’t smoke at least that much, why are you reading this? Also If you only smoke rollies, you are a hippie and need to get a job.
Quit Date 1
Don’t smoke. Go cold turkey. Nicotine gum or patches just wean you off of cigarettes, drawing out the physical addiction process needlessly long. If you go cold turkey, the nicotine leaves your body after 72 hours. It’s like ripping a bandage off; do it quick and get it over with. No nicotine ever again.
Pop those pills! Remember all those pills you bought? Eat the shit out of ‘em. You got nothing to do for the next three days except not smoke. I ate Adderall for breakfast, mixed booze and Xanax around midday, then melatonin to get to bed at night. 72 hours zoomed by and *snap* the nicotine was out of my body. As an added benefit, I read like three books because I was all geeked up on amphetamines. Win-Win.
Write down what you’re feeling as your quit. When you feel like smoking in the future, look at this list of cold sweats, irritability and so forth. It really helps deter picking up another cigarette when you realize you’re going to have to go through all that stuff again.
Buy a Stop Smoking app for your phone so you can check out your progress and see when you will be able to poop normally again. It’s also cool to see little milestones, like how your lung capacity goes back to normal after three months. It’ll also track the money you save by not smoking. Remember what you learned from last week: vacations are better than cigarettes.
Quit Day 4
Start living your life normally. The nicotine is out of your body. Congrats, you can leave the house now and go to concerts and chill with the opposite sex and get laid. Of course, all these situations are going to seem awkward at first, but you’ve thought through them in your head for the last four weeks, so you’re prepared.
Quit Day 14
Good job getting here. Buy yourself an indulgent meal with the money you saved from not smoking. Doesn’t this sushi taste fucking great now that your taste buds work again? Yeah, I know.
Quit Day 30
Learning and unlearning habits takes about this long. Everything should be falling into place. No one is really asking you for a cigarette anymore (except for people your randomly run into when you’re out). You’ll likely have a smoker friend still harping on you for not smoking or telling you that your quit won’t last. Drop her as a friend. If anyone seriously holds a grudge against you for not smoking, they are weird, selfish, and likely are insecure in their own habit.
Also, smell something. Cool right? Your nose works again.
Quit Day 365
Each one-teach one! You are not the only person who has battled with an addiction to cigarettes. Coach someone through quitting or write a quit smoking article for a relatively unknown blog. Helping others is the easiest way to help yourself. Oh yeah, it’s been a year now, so why not book that baller-ass vacation? You deserve it, you strong sexy beast, you.
-Jonathan [name withheld] does not smoke anymore and just booked a flight to Northern Italy for 2 weeks
LEGALISH NOTE: There are risks involved with recreationally taking drugs, Adderall and other pills. The Tangential suggests caution in such endeavors and takes no responsibility for your ensuing insomnia/drastic weight loss or gain/ dry mouth, whatever.
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