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10 Personal Tidbits I Considered Including in My Tangential Bio
Once, while traveling by plane, I tried to recall how many times I’ve flown in my life. My family likes to travel. It’s a good thing I don’t have a flying phobia, I thought. Then I considered an aerophobe’s reasoning, and suddenly realized that I was in fact THOUSANDS OF MILES above ground in a…
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A Phone Call with a Former Classmate That Should Dissuade Everyone From Going to Grad School in English
Me: “Hey man!” Sean: “Dunstan…I’ve got a problem.” Me: “Oh?” Sean: “I have 25 students at this technical college. And 19 of them are from completely different countries. So they each make 19 different mistakes.” Me: “Sucka.” S: “It’s like the level below regular freshman. And they all hate it. It’s the fifth time most…
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What Kid Rock Sees in Mitt Romney
Every former-white-rapper knows his base: rednecks. Rednecks aren’t able to actually come out and like hip-hop because Lil Wayne stickers don’t look dope on a four-wheeler. But, white guys rapping next to chipped-paint barns and whiskey distilleries pass the test. And with former-super-redneck candidate Rick Perry (“these bills have too many words!”) now gone from…
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What Your Bed Covers Say About You
You recently posted a photo of your new comforter on Facebook and/or Tumblr: You’re a 20- or 30-something with a relatively boring office job that stresses you out, but leaves you with enough expendable cash to frequent Happy Hour almost every night, get sushi delivered, and order comforters with bird prints from IKEA and West…
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How to Dismantle Your Rick Santorum
Rick Santorums in your home or on your property need to be on all the time to alert you and your family of any threats to God’s favorite country. But if your Rick Santorum starts going off accidentally, you will need to dismantle him. Every Rick Santorum secular siren is designed slightly differently, but you…
