Category: Music/Snacks
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Asantewa in Wonderland: Down the Rabbit (Soup) Hole
Growing up as an immigrant kid in rural Michigan isn’t easy. Actually, allow me to rephrase: growing up as an uncool bookworm kid in “whereamIarethoseAmishpeople” Michigan is downright rough. While I was never made to feel excluded, there was a certain discomfort that came with the obvious disconnect between my family and the families of…
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Things About Paula Deen That It’s Funny How You Never Hear White People Saying In Front of Black People
“It just seems so sad.” “I don’t see why her personal life has to come into this. Her job is to be a good cook!” “She admitted to saying it, what, once? Twenty years ago?” “Things never would have gone down like this if she had a better P.R. team.” “I understand why the Food…
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Suggested Track Listing for Amanda Bynes’s Rap Album
Welcome to the Errordome Dickelodeon Bang a Gong (Throw a Bong) Fear of a Planet Tan Bitches Can’t Shit (When They’re Living Off Movie Premiere Cheese Trays) Wanksta’s Paradise Murder (My Vagina) Was the Case (not feat. Drake) Straight Outta Thousand Oaks White Lines (Do It) Nuthin But a G String Keep Ya Head Up…
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What It Means To Be a Teenager Who Loves Classical Music
As young musicians, most of us have already aged. One violinist I know, who is 16, wears a top hat and breeches to each orchestra rehearsal. Another girl is never seen without her small heels. Nails are short and clean, and all the young women tie their hair back before picking up their instruments. As…
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Does It Matter That No One Gives a Shit About Classical Music Any More?
Minneapolis likes to compare itself defensively to New York, which makes it all the more poignant that James Oestreich of the New York Times has just published a pained essay calling Minneapolis a “great cultural mecca” and lamenting the fact that one of our indisputably world-class cultural resources—the Minnesota Orchestra—has just lost its entire 2012-13 season to…
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An Open Apology to Peanut Butter
Dear Peanut Butter, I’m sorry that I did not consciously realize until recently that you are actually made out of peanuts. Like by virtue of being called “peanut butter” you are a butter-resembling thing made out of peanuts, not general vague brown-ness as I had previously assumed. Usually you taste like sugar, not like nuts.…
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My 8-Year Relationship with Top 40
Age 14-18: In high school I claimed to hate Top 40. This was back when I was desperately trying to seem smart or interesting or whatever the fuck would make someone like me. My understanding of myself was mostly based on the impression I believed I left on others, so articulating a flimsy moral opposition…
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I’m Just a Simple Country Boy, Kimberly Perry, and Your Highfalutin Metaphors Confuse Me
Look, Kim, I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us, but I’m darned confused trying to make heads or tails out of that song “Lasso” you wrote about it. I know you’re not talking to me and all, but maybe you could send me a text sometime helping me out with this stuff. The song…
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Leisure Activities of Céline Dion While Recovering From Sinusitis in Las Vegas
Googling the word “sinus” while drinking a smoothie with chia seeds. Mani/pedi/acoustic jam in jammies night with Meat Loaf. Getting erotic nose massages from René. Visiting schools and giving chest-beating lessons as a public service. Contemplating killing self with neti pot full of brain-eating bacteria. Settling on a neti Martini instead. While under the influence…
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I Love Country – And I Don’t Apologize for It
If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone describe their music taste as “everything but ___ and country,” I would not be slangin’ designer denim for my paycheck. No, sir – I would be lying on the Mexico beach next to Kenny Chesney sipping on margaritas. Because I fucking love country music.…
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A Haiku About Each David Bowie Album
David Bowie (1967) Oh, isn’t this cute He’s like Paul McCartney but Not shouting so much Space Oddity (1969) This is much better Lots of texture, some good songs Spaceman phase begins The Man Who Sold the World (1970) Nirvana song’s good Then the rest is prog rock prog Rock prog MAKE IT STOP Hunky Dory (1971) “Queen Bitch,”…
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Song Titles for the Next Taylor Swift Album
“Cardboard Girl (In Walgreens)” “I Guess One of Those Three Billion Girls Was Prettier Than Me” “Inevitable (for Justin)” “My Hair is Kinky, Like Me Now” “Can’t Believe You Checked Out Our Waitress” “Thinking About Dating Outside of My Race” “The Island of Misfit Toyboys” “Fighting in Iambic Pentameter” “I Can Be Pop, But You…