Author: Sarah Heuer
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An Open Apology to Peanut Butter
Dear Peanut Butter, I’m sorry that I did not consciously realize until recently that you are actually made out of peanuts. Like by virtue of being called “peanut butter” you are a butter-resembling thing made out of peanuts, not general vague brown-ness as I had previously assumed. Usually you taste like sugar, not like nuts….
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Things Your Cat Did to Me While You Were Asleep
Your cat ate my hair. I don’t know if my hair resembles an enticing ball of twine or if I just stood too close to the ventless oven while you were cooking sausage, but for whatever reason, your cat wanted to eat my hair. And he tried. Like six times. I kept waking up to…
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DJ BAIT: Chrissy Murderbot on Misogyny, Booties, and “Fuck Dancing”
On Sunday afternoon at Pitchfork Becky and I spent some time hanging out with up-and-coming Chicago-based DJ Chrissy Murderbot. Incidentally, my first introduction to Chrissy (real name Chris Shively) was through the Pitchfork (website, not festival) review of his recent album Women’s Studies. The reviewer referred to him as “your friendly neighborhood Diplo,” a comparison…
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Everything I Know About Harry Potter
I have never seen or watched a Harry Potter. Whoa, whoa, whoa…. refrain from throwing the nearest unanchored object at the computer. I have nothing against Mr. HP, I’ve just never really had any interest in the series and the thought of having to digest seven increasingly voluminous books and ten years worth of movies…
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How To Be Used
I’m going to level with you. It feels pretty great at first. Why? Because you wouldn’t set yourself up to be used if you didn’t get something out of it in the first place. Maybe you’re needy. Maybe you’re insecure. Maybe you have some idyllic best-case scenario in mind regarding the user and you’re simply…
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An Open Letter to Kylie Cinnamon Snow
Dear Kylie, I’ve only known of you a month but I feel like we’ve been through so much together. That said, I feel like our relationship is one-sided. That’s unfair. I’ve tried to reach out to you. I’ve tried to befriend your friends. They’ve rebuffed me. What else can I do? Ever since I found…
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Food Boner: MeatTruck.com
After the raging success of the inagural Art Boner post highlighting local artist Ben Lansky’s work, we decided to branch out into other bonerific areas of Minneapolis culture. Thus I bring you MeatTruck.com. Run by the Twin Cities’ own Justin “Porterhouse” Wood, whom I asked to say a few words about the website:…
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Where Popular Indie Bands Got Their Names
Radiohead It is a little known fact that Thom Yorke was actually the equally-attractive half brother of David Beckham before a freak recording studio accident during which some sound equipment exploded and a giant electronic fireball burned his face. Confronted with his newly undesirable looks, he sunk into a depression and began writing angsty alternative…
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Top Baby Names for Hipster Children
Are you a super relevant hipster hottie? Are you in a relationship with another super relevant hipster hottie? Do you beieve that birth conrol is passé? Only for mainstreamers? Then chances are you might find yourself in the possession of a kewl lil pre-hipster fetus. If you want to be a good parent from the…
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An Imagined Conversation Between Beyonce and Diplo
The internet is ablaze with rumors that Diplo will be working alongside Beyonce on the singer’s upcoming 4th studio album. Sources say the session already got off on a bad foot when he suggested that Beyonce should change her Sasha Fierce character into a Tamil Tiger alter ego named O.M.G. What follows is what we…
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Myers-Briggs Dating Field Guide
INFJ- Why you want one:They’ll sit inside and read Dostoevsky with you on a rainy day, they’re good curators of interests and they’ll find something interesting to do and plan the whole date out (to the second). Spoiler Alert: Icy-cold exterior. Where to find one: Any independent or used bookstore in a trendy neighborhood on…
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How to Convince People You're Not Interesting
1. Guys, exclusively wear t-shirts from your alma mater. Only deviate for first dates when you wear a red or blue ill-fitting polo shirt. Girls, exclusively wear your boyfriend’s sweatshirt from his alma mater. It also helps to start all sentences with, “My boyfriend…” 2. Make a Facebook profile for your cat. Have your cat…