An Imagined Conversation Between Beyonce and Diplo
The internet is ablaze with rumors that Diplo will be working alongside Beyonce on the singer’s upcoming 4th studio album. Sources say the session already got off on a bad foot when he suggested that Beyonce should change her Sasha Fierce character into a Tamil Tiger alter ego named O.M.G.
What follows is what we imagine might transpire when the diva and the dip meet in the recording studio.
Beyonce: Diplo, thanks so much for working with me. I’m really wanting to go for a worldly sound on this album and I think you would be perfect. I’m feeling inspired by Ethiopian princesses for this record. Where do you think we should go from there?
Diplo: Yo gurl wuddup wassup you on that jet lag shit? Damn we needta get sum hot wings up in here or something, some Ethiopian hot wings with a side of Moroccan dubstep tricky beats.
Beyonce: Um, I am kind of tired. I think that’s what you’re asking. I could go for some wings, but everybody knows I’m a Popeye’s girl. So, you were thinking dubstep? I suppose I have the swagger for that. Wonderful.
Diplo: Dubstep but with that afrobeat kinna sikk shit. Sick like fat girls who eat too much Taco Bell and puke on the dance floor but not gross, you know, like hott fat girls on Tumblr with their crazy next level shit.
Beyonce: Sure. I’m a strong woman but every now and then I need to get a chalupa. I see where you’re going with this, I think. Something for all the Bootylicious girls that inspire me. But I’m not so sure about the vomit. I’m trying to be like Barbra Streisand for the new age. But Babs in a freakum dress to inspire all the fierce women out there.
Diplo: Babs the bunny heyo imma tweet that imma say, “Retweet this if you watchin that Babs the bunny cartoon on the space network lol.” Hey you see where I set my keys, wanna go burn a CD in my car real quick. Wanna bring in the sounds of the highway, Ethiopian highway Taco Bell to the future 2012 Beyonce jamtown.
Beyonce: No, that’s ok. I think we’re better right here in the studio. Are you saying you want some Mexican influence on this too? I have versions of me singing “Irreplaceable” and “If I Were a Boy” in Spanish, you know. I just want to touch all the corners of the globe with my sound. Do you understand what I’m saying at all?
Diplo: Oh totes gurl I’ve touched all the corners of the globe with my dick EYO jk I just chill in the corner with my sweater vest on and muh BlackBerry and the chix send me nudes it’s tight man haha. You know I went to Korea and got my kpop on and I just walked around makin farm animal noises and no one could understand me. Went to some Korean massage parlor and ate so much fuckin Skittles it was like I was high on pills but it was just candybuzzflow you know what I’m sayin. Dude let’s call some Koreans I got their number. Maybe get some backing vocals on my voicemail.
Beyonce: I’m not sure I’m really comfortable with this. Korean massage parlors are not very lady-like. Should I call my husband and see if he wants to sit in on this? Anyway, Solange told me you were working on some Afrobeat stuff too? She said she was heading in that direction for her next CD but I think it’s a better direction for me. I really want to unleash the warrior beneath me because I think every woman has a warrior and I think it’s really beautiful.
Diplo: Oh hell yeah like those Italian dudes in those metal dresses I can see that I can feel that. Yeah call your hubs and ask him to go down to the junkyard at the corner of 14th and Hyde and ask for some metal shit, like some insane metal shit, maybe some car doors and like some bumpers and we’ll take it to the parking lot and bang out some sounds. Tell him to give them my name, they know me by Captain D there. Also wtf is a Solange?
Beyonce: It doesn’t matter. Listen, my husband is a CEO. He does not go to junk yards. I didn’t drag Thierry Mugler out of retirement just so I could go get garbage water on my Loubitons. I’m sorry, but this isn’t making sense at all. I just want to write songs about owning yourself and owning an international airport.
Diplo: Oh sweet I’m a CEO too! I’m a certified member of the Collegiate Electrician’s Organization. Was on that community college shit cuz they wouldn’t take me at the University. Whatevz, though, my admissions essay was just too deep for them. Deep like house cuts at a rave and then after the rave you go to a 24-hour Applebees and vibe on mozzstix. And I got a plane, too, it flies around my head when I get ripped on 4Loko and too many airline peanuts.
Beyonce: Look, I do not have time for this. I have to go film a L’oreal commercial and sign off on some House of Dereon leggings that are keeping my mama busy. Damn, I should have just called Bon Iver like ‘Ye did.
Diplo: Kittens damn tablecloth fuckin BBQ pickle chips remix curling iron.
Beyonce: Man, WTF?
—Marcus Michalik regularly refers to Beyonce as Beysus, and Sarah Heuer has actually tried to have a conversation with Diplo.