Are you a super relevant hipster hottie? Are you in a relationship with another super relevant hipster hottie? Do you beieve that birth conrol is passé? Only for mainstreamers? Then chances are you might find yourself in the possession of a kewl lil pre-hipster fetus.

If you want to be a good parent from the get-go, you’ll give your child a sweet hipster name so they have a shot at relevancy from day one. Below are our best ideas for ‘alternative’ baby names.

Morissey

Ativan

Anonymous

Nietzsche

Nubreed

Portland

Onitsuka

Faucet

Fountain

Gauge

Lunestra

Concept

Meme

Theravada

Note: For extra hipster points, give the baby the last name “de Beauvior” as a continuing stance against patriarchy.

Feel free to volunteer your own ideas in the comments.

–Sarah Heuer and Stephen Tully Dierks with assistance from the rest of the Tangenitalia, including assists from Katie Sisneros and Chrissy Stockton.