Author: Kelsey McDonough
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Live-tweeting the Disney vacation planning DVD
Your ticket to get into Disney Magic Kingdom is just a pastel polo shirt and two blonde kids — Kelsey McDonough (@kel4000) February 13, 2015 Princess dress with Tevas is an outfit combo I never considered, but will start immediately — Kelsey McDonough (@kel4000) February 13, 2015 For real tho Space Mtn looks scary. I've…
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On Having the Most Common Birthday
Today, October 5th, is my birthday. It has been that way my whole life. It’s a great day, factually speaking; you can’t argue with that. It’s the beginning of fall (or “autumn” if you’re a pretentious Ivy Leaguer or a republican), the leaves on the trees are celebrating gay pride, plus Halloween is coming up…
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Pros & Cons of Tucking Your Shirt into Your Undies
Pros Shirt’s not goin’ anywhere. Makes you feel like a grownup, ‘cuz hey, you tucked your shirt in. Now go research mortgage rates and make a donation to public radio while you’re at it. Wait, what did you say? LEVI CLASSIC FIT STRAIGHT LEG JEANS ARE ON SALE AT JC PENNY’S? BRB. Causes you to…
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How Wisconsin Dells Heightened My Dreadlock Complex
I recently bought a Wisconsin Dells weekend getaway Groupon so that my roommates and I could live out our childhood water park fantasies as mid-twenty-somethings. Having never been there, we asked our seemingly innocent, middle-aged hotel front desk clerk where we should eat lunch. After starring hard at me for a few seconds, she said,…
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How to Make Love to Your Hunger Games Fan
Make her feel like the chosen one Put some golden tattoos on your face and dye your hair blue when you tell her she has been selected to represent fly honeys everywhere in the Sexy Games. Take her somewhere she feels comfortable Two words: THE WOODS. Getting freaky in a sleeping bag tied to a…
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How to Digitally Butter Me Up
Take a photo just for me When you text me a funny photo of the crazy lady at your bus stop wearing a Hefty bag as her only form of clothing and pelting pigeons with Necco Wafers, I feel honored that you saved that joke just for me. When I see it on Facebook, Twitter,…
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Thank You for Noticing My Sunburn
“Oh, yikes!” **Ouchy/grimace face** “You, my friend, are sunburned.” OMG! You noticed! Thank god! I mean, I laid outside at the pool literally all day to get this outrageous color just to get your attention and IT WORKED! Well, Whoopi-fucking-Goldberg! I. Am. Thrilled. Why, why, why does everyone feel the need to inform you about…
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Proof That I Haven’t Quite Made It To Adulthood, According To My Mother
I sent out an excited mass text to everyone in my cell phone when I got “High School Musical on Ice” tickets for Christmas. Talk radio makes me car sick. I proudly display my Kleenex content to anyone near me after a powerful nose blowing. If said content doesn’t fit within the snot color status…
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Valentines From a Single Gal
“I don’t really even like edible gifts or attention of any kind, so this day is like really not a big deal to me!” “I wore this ridiculously over the top red and pink outfit to camouflage the fact that I feel bad that I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year and a…
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Pinterest is Making Me an Angry Person
If you pin one more effing lacy, sweetheart neckline wedding dress, I swear to Vera Wang I will slap you in the mouth. Also, I know I haven’t talked to you since high school, but Facebook tells me you’re still as single as the microwavable serving of mac and cheese I ate while sobbing over…
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Some Sucky Things About Being Norwegian
1. Every gift your family has ever bought you is from the “Winter Sports” section at REI because all your Norwegian family ever does is ski and snowshoe and stuff. You’d think that making snow angels would also be an acceptable Norwegian past time, but you’d be wrong because it involves to much emotion (smiling,…
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Things I Don’t Feel Old Enough To Be Doing By Myself
Buying booze Is there a harsher glare than that of the haggard liquor store cashier’s questioning eyes? I think not. The minute I walk in I’m hit with age judgement so penetrating that it actually makes me doubt my own age. Although I’ve been of legal drinking age for four years, I still feel like I’ll…