Author: Jen Wasserman
-
Lo-Fi Music Can Kiss My Ass
Don’t get me wrong. I like the good stuff. My new favorite new band is Dirty Beaches, and that’s about the lowest fidelity you can get—you can hardly hear the words singer Alex Zhang Hungtai croons when the fuzz kicks in. But he gets away with it because he wields the sharpest sword a musician…
-
Why It’s Cool to Touch Your Own Butt
I saw my sixth-grade music teacher touch his own butt. I was walking down the hallway and glanced into his room. He was standing in front of a class and his hands were firmly wedged in the gap between the high waistband of his royal blue jeans and his white, hairy lower back. I looked…
-
My Honest Intentions with Your Son
I intend to turn your son into one of my more serious television companions. I’m sure you’re suspicious of the whole “Yeah, we’re just gonna go watch TV in the basement” thing. I would be too. For all you know, I could be down there stealing your son’s sperm while we cover up our noise…
-
Thoughts in the Midst of a Pregnancy Scare
Crikey. I’ve always argued for the woman’s right to chose, but now that I might be “the woman” and I do have the right to choose, I feel like a sack of shit for wanting an abortion. After all, I’m somewhat capable of raising a kid. If I had to, I could. And I want…
-
The six levels of drinking with someone I’m maybe possibly potentially interested in
Level 0: Thirsty My throat is dry. Shot, please. Level 1: Drinky At this point, I’m beginning to believe that replacing the word “buzzed” with “drinky” is fun and cute. Hey, I’m a little drinky! Level 2: Innocently Handsy You like Tim and Eric too? My hand is on your knee. Level 3: All of…
-
Thoughts I’ve Had While Giving a Blow Job
He could choke me so easily right now. Oh my god, there’s a penis in my mouth. The last thing in my mouth was a chicken quesadilla. Hopefully a toothbrush will be next. Can he feel my teeth? God. I hope not. I’ll… put my lips over them. Can he still feel them? My jaw…