I saw my sixth-grade music teacher touch his own butt.
I was walking down the hallway and glanced into his room. He was standing in front of a class and his hands were firmly wedged in the gap between the high waistband of his royal blue jeans and his white, hairy lower back.
I looked down at my shoes. I played with my necklace. I kept walking all the way to the bathroom on the other side of the school.
When I got back to my class, I told some friends about what I saw, because even back then, I was gossipy and kind of crass.
My friends were grossed out. So I convinced myself that I was grossed out too.
But lately I’ve been thinking: what’s so gross about touching your own butt? Nothing, that’s what. To be clear, I’m not talking about the booty cleavage or the butthole. I’m just talking about the cheeks. Here’s what’s awesome about touching your own butt:
1. It frees you from your identity.
Skip this part if you have a steady supply of sexing partners. Or if you do Zumba a lot.
Touching your butt reminds you that you are just a body. Becky’s post about dead-ending yourself into a lame personality type pointed out that “the Internet has made us—consciously or unconsciously—obsessed with the idea of a personal brand.”
But everyone has a butt, and your butt doesn’t have a brand. Well, some butts are the cornerstones of personal brands, but I don’t want to think about that shit.
2. It’s hot.
I’m not hating on masturbation, but it is a commitment. You have to get all solitary and you might be sleepy afterward. And guilty, depending on how Catholic you are.
But you can do butt-touching wherever and whenever, mostly. For example, my music teacher did it while teaching a class. I’m not saying he was doing it for sexual reasons, but I do think there’s a sexy satisfaction in touching your own, bare ass. I suspect you know exactly what I mean, because the ass is a pretty sexual thing, given its location and all.
And come on, you know you think your ass is pretty hot. Here’s a tip: rather than positioning your hands palms-in, try touching your butt with the backs of your hands. Yup, just like how you’d touch a door if your house was on fire. And yeah, you can start using the line, “Baby, your ass is as hot as a door in a burning house.” But people probably won’t touch your butt with the back of their hand. You’ll probably never get the knuckles-on-ass sensation from someone you’re fooling around with, but it’s startling and cool, so try it out.
3. It reminds you who the boss is.
Touching your butt can make you feel powerful. Asses are often sexual objects. If you go out dancing, there’s the risk that your butt will be grabbed by ugly mofos you don’t want grabbing it. You don’t even have to be dancing—my roommate was playing soccer tonight and some ugly mofo groped her ass.
But if you’re the one grabbing it, or thinking that it’s hot, you’ve got the power. And you’ve got it all, baby.
– Jen Wasserman