Level 0: Thirsty

My throat is dry. Shot, please.

Level 1: Drinky

At this point, I’m beginning to believe that replacing the word “buzzed” with “drinky” is fun and cute. Hey, I’m a little drinky!

Level 2: Innocently Handsy

You like Tim and Eric too? My hand is on your knee.

Level 3: All of the Knowledge in the World

Guess how much I know. Hint: it’s everything.

Don’t you dare use the word “utilize” or I’ll be standing up, pointing my finger at you and correcting you for the next 15 minutes. Utilize! Utilize my fist in your mouth! Now I’m waxing philo about the origin of that good-for-nothing, shaz-hole of a word. A taste of that amateur wax: “dude, you just used the word utilize to explain why you should be allowed to use it- that may or may not be meta-death for me!” I’m making up terms like “shaz-hole” and expecting you to keep up. Keep up, shaz-hole. The tree is only falling in the forest because you’re using the word utilize. You cut it down with inefficiency. USE would have been faster.
The sunny side of this is that I’m gonna tell you every Fun Fact I’ve ever accidentally retained. There are only 3,200 tigers left in the world (as of 2010.) I think. Hiii, speaking French now.

Level 4: Just Delirious Showering

I’m just getting in your shower, just to cool off. I’m okay, it’s just that I’m hot! If you need to pee, it’s okay. Just knock. I have the miraculous ability to jump out, dry off and get dressed in just ten seconds. I’m a super human. I’m super. You’re super. Just you. You know what was super? Tim. Also, Eric. Great job, awesome show! Let’s take just another shot. Love u.

Safety first: if I’m not getting dipso near a secure and comfortable shower, I can either send a drunk text to the wrong person OR angrily skip to Level 5.

Level 5: OVER IT.

God… dude. When’s the 16 coming? For real, fuck the 16. Does something happen to it while it’s in St. Paul? I’d posit that they cover it with some kind of fucking Slow Potion that attracts Crazy Fuckers before sending it back to Minneapolis. Do you have a cigarette? This sucks.

Level 6: The Next Day Rehash

Fooood, it’s been a while. I did what? You’re kidding. Laughter. Pictures. Headaches. Shaz-hole? Sorry.

– Jen Wasserman is totes taking a tips shower in your apartment tonight. u mad?

Photo by Matt (Creative Commons)