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My Anti-Bucket List – Things I Pledge Never to Do
-Name my child after a character from Twilight -Fulfill the Minnesotan stereotype of making “a salad” that is mostly noodles and mayo -Keep a blog closely documenting my travels in France -Have a pet named Fluffy, Snowball or Fido -Say “the n word” when I’m hanging out with a bunch of white friends who I…
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The Reality TV Guide to Handling Panic Attacks
• Are you suffering from shortened breath and a racing heart? Congratulations, you’re about to get a lot of a-tent-ion! Good thing you prepped by wearing kohl eyeliner and dignified panties, just in case you end up passed out in a sexy doctor’s hands. • Don’t be scared. It’s ok to have panic attacks. You’re…
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The Dangerous Charm of the Alt Bourgeoisie
The Alt Bourgeoisie: you know the type. He appears in a piece of experimental theater staged in an abandoned shoe shop, then the next day he’s tagged in a pic slugging brewski with the bros down at the local sports bar. She paints abstract canvases with baby-doll heads cemented to the frames, then goes and…
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Things I’ve Crossed Off My Bucket List
Wear a scapular around your ankle for over two years in the belief that it will guarantee you a spot in heaven if you die in a state of mortal sin, a belief strong enough that you wear the scapular but not so strong that you wear it around your neck like you’re supposed to…
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Popular “Life Goals” I’m Happy to Never Achieve
Run a marathon In my experience, marathon runners are a lot like Wisconsinites; they’re incredibly cool and fun, or they’re bragging know-it-alls. (“This is not cheese. Minnesota’s lakes just don’t compare. You think you can drink? I’m from Wisconsin.” “You just don’t get it until you’ve experienced that high around mile 18…it’s indescribable, I just…
