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More Substance Abuse References Justin Timberlake Can Use to Flatter Jessica Biel
Girl, you’re like Skinny Girl margarita mix. Bitches on reality TV get so jealous of your jelly they want to put you in a blender. Your body is like the opposite of crack, in that I have never done crack but I have done you in my marital bed. When I smell your hair it’s…
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My Jawbone Up and Me: A Story of Insomnia, Pedometers and Shame
The most awkward part of starting life with a Jawbone Up activity tracking band was the first night sleeping together. Does it know when I’m up to pee? Does it know when I’m flipping my pillow around over and over again? Does it know when I’m tricking it by keeping my arm really still while…
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I’m Just a Simple Country Boy, Kimberly Perry, and Your Highfalutin Metaphors Confuse Me
Look, Kim, I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us, but I’m darned confused trying to make heads or tails out of that song “Lasso” you wrote about it. I know you’re not talking to me and all, but maybe you could send me a text sometime helping me out with this stuff. The song…
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Less Obvious Reasons I’ll Be the First to Die in the Zombie Apocalypse
Were we to take a poll of the general population as to the top three most important zombie survival traits, they’d probably be 1: an ability to resist panic, 2: general survival proficiency (DVRing Bear Grylls doesn’t count), and 3: an ability and willingness to defend oneself. I’m not going to write about why I…

